The Mess After
by ukexchan
Summary: Sequel to Good Clean Fun. Kakashi breaks, everything is falling apart. Iruka is trying to keep things together, but Kakashi is questioning their relationship. Yaoi. KakaIru. Mild GenRai.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: So, totally not mine.

Warnings: Some OOC, angst, yaoi! Very much yaoi, and lots of it flying all over the place. It's rated M for a reason people, do I really have to explain this?

A/N: Hey everyone! Um, if you're reading Read Between the Lies, I think I'm about done with it. I may do a chapter to close things up a bit, but I think everything has been pretty well resolved. If you have any suggestions or anything you'd like to see, feel free to PM me or send me a review telling me what you'd like to see.

Now! On to business! This is the sequel to Good Clean Fun. I hope you all enjoy it, as I have put a lot of thought into this, and I've been working pretty hard on it for awhile now. Maa, I'll let you decide. On with the story!

No one in the ninja community was particularly shocked by Kakashi and Iruka's relationship. Same sex couples were accepted as a part of life as a shinobi. Most had tried it at least once, many were known to bed whoever happened to be convenient at the time, regardless of gender. Very few heads turned when news of their relationship got out. Many people congratulated them, as though the relationship was bound to happen eventually and they were just glad that the two men had finally accepted the inevitable.

Their relationship did have a certain balance that was rare to find. Kakashi allowed Iruka to calm his nerves, almost everyone noticed that the chuunins outbursts in the mission room had becom less frequent. The chuunin seemed genuinely happy. Kakashi had finally started opening up a little, very little, but it was something. The man had also become less prone to threaten the lives of his fellow ninja which was a pleasant change for both Anko and Genma. Iruka also seemed to break Kakashi's habit of disappearing after missions. All in all, their relationship was good. They had their disagreements of course, (Iruka failed to meet Kakashi's standards of clean, though eventually Kakashi came to think of an "Iruka mess" as a "good mess") but for the most part they were happy, and life was good.

Genma seemed oddly pleased with Kakashi and Iruka's new relationship, and was always asking prying questions. Iruka found it funny, Kakashi had begun plotting the orally fixated pervert's death.

Iukra had recently convinced Kakashi to start going out on real dates, in public places. That usually meant that Kakashi stared at his meal, while Iruka hurriedly finished his own, and the conversation was kept to a minimum for the purposes of speeding things along, but it was progress. Iruka was convinced that eventually Kakashi would actually eat his food, and hold a polysyllabic conversation. On one such date, Iruka and Kakashi ran into Genma and Raidou. Kakashi tried to run away without even eating their meal, but Iruka caught his arm in time to keep him in place. Kakashi gave him a look of panic so desperate that Iruka actually considered letting him go.

"They'll want to talk." Kakashi said hastily as though Iruka was supposed to realize some obvious doom that would befall them upon hearing the news.

"Yes." Iruka barely held back the chuckle in his voice.

"Genma will ask _those_ questions."

Iruka raised an eyebrow in response, but before Kakashi could further explain their impending doom, Genma and Raidou were pulling up seats at their table.

"You guys on your way out?" Raidou asked noting Kakashi's postions that spoke of the silver haired man's desire to bolt.

"No, just waiting for our food." Iruka responded cheerfully.

"Care if we join?" Genma asked, his tone making it sound more like he was asking for a sexual favor than a seat at their table.

"For dinner? Not at all." Iruka responded mindfully. Genma's tones were dangerously important to take not of. Iruka had found himself agreeing to all sorts of morally questionable things when he wasn't paying close enough attention.

Genma winked, seemingly proud that Iruka had learned his lesson. Kakashi looked back and forth between the two, putting an arm around his chuunin in a grand show of possessiveness. People can't just go around winking at Iruka like that. He'd have to have a chat with Genma about that later. A long chat. Only mild torture would be involved. Really, what's the fun of having the Sharringan if you're not going to use it? He slouched back in his chair, disappointed that he'd been cornered into dinner with the town gossip before he even had a chance to escape or at least argue.

Raidou plopped down on his seat, throwing his legs over Genma's lap in a show of affection and casualness. Genma didn't even raise an eyebrow just waved the waitress over, and ordered for both himself and Raidou, flirting with the shy woman all the while. The waitress scurried off blushing and giddy to put their order in.

"Why do you always do that?" Raidou all but pouted.

"Do what?" Genma tilted his senbon to punctuate the question, his tone dripping with lust and a warped satisfaction.

"You know exactly what." Raidou replied, his voice taking on a more annoyed tone. "One of these days you'll get what you want and I'll get jealous, and I promise you, you won't like it."

Genma shrugged. I'm just so curious though." His lip pushed out in a mock pout. He reached out a hand to caress his lover's cheek more lovingly than suited Genma, at least based off of his display only moments earlier. 'I'd like to see your pretty little face all twisted up in a jealous rage." His fingers moved to brush the scarred jounin's lips. "You're pouty little lips all firm and angry, just verging on a pout, but you'd be too stubborn to pout wouldn't you?" Genma bit his lip in contemplation, looking as though he had just considered the single most sexually arousing thing that could ever exist.

Raidou blushed and turned to stare at his glass of water. "I'd castrate you, ya know. If I can't have you to myself, no one will have you at all."

Genma pouted more seriously, then seemed to consider the prospect. "That's almost worth it." He decided aloud, earning him a stare of deep concern from both Kakashi and Iruka. Raidou's stare was one of pity.

"I honestly worry about you." Raidou commented after a stretch of silence.

It's nice to know you care." Genma smiled sweetly before turning his attention to Kakashi and Iruka. "So, how have you two been?"

It took every bit of willpower Kakashi possessed to remain where he was and not outwardly panic. For awhile there it seemed as though Raidou was going to distract the blonde haired psycho from asking _those_ questions, but now Genma had turned his attention to them and the questioning was inevitable.

"We've been great." Iruka smiled cheerfully, taking Kakashi's hand and giving it a comforting squeeze. The chuunin knew Genma's little interrogation sessions made his jounin uncomfortable.

Genma gave a devious grin. "So, have you two done anything… interesting lately?"

"We've been talking about moving in together." Iruka shrugged noncommittally, purposely avoiding the obvious implications of Genma's usual prying.

Kakashi's entire being was focused on maintaining the appearance of calm. It was all he could do to remain seated and keep from shaking. He just ahd to hope his rapid heartbeat went unnoticed by his companions. Genma was asking _those_ questions and Iruka was sharing to much. The entire affair was horrible and painful and bad, but Iruka looked happy. He was smiling at least, and the chuunin looked so cute when he smiled. This was worth it, seeing Iruka smile was worth it. So, he sat quietly and tried to focus on Iruka's happiness, and not cause a scene.

"Have you seen him without his mask on?" Genma continued his prodding. Kakashi was finding it hard to breath, so he opted to just hold his breath and slowly let it out, concentrating on Iruka's smile. It was worth it, as long and the younger man kept smiling, it was worth it.

Iruka gave a fierce glare, serving as a reminder of his temper. His smile faltered, and Kakashi was tensing up. He wasn't smiling anymore, and this was really starting to not be worth it. Perhaps they should go. He didn't like this one bit.

Genma raised his hands in surrender. "Okay, okay. Well, have you at least been allowed to use his bathroom yet?"

Kakashi tensed so much he was surprised he didn't break. His eye had gone wide and his mouth was suddenly dry, but he didn't move. He sat quietly, focused on his breathing and hoping that Iruka would just go back to smiling so this wouldn't hurt quite so much.

Iruka gave up on glaring and decided to try a more direct approach. "Did I ever tell you how Ibiki-san got his scars?" Iruka's tone was light, almost cheerful, but there was an obvious displeasure apparent. And he still wasn't smiling.

Genma's eyes went wide in horror and Raidou looked strangely proud.

That man does like to ask questions…" Iruka continued, pleased with himself.

"How?" Genma barely managed to whisper.

"Do you really want to continue asking questions?" Iruka asked, a hint of pity slipping into his voice.

"He'd probably be willing to die to satisfy his curiousity about the two of you." Raidou answered giving Genma a disappointed stare.

Just then, their food arrived. Genma used the opportunity to shift further away from the frightening chuunin. They ate in a slightly nervous silence, everyone except Kakashi anyway. The nervous man just stared at his plate, vaguely annoyed.

"Do you eat?" Raidou asked hesitantly.

Kakashi tensed even further, but made no move to otherwise respond.

"The mask, Rai." Genma provided, seriously questioning Raidou's mental health.

"…Oh yeah." Raidou chuckled nervously.

"Sometimes…" Genma muttered shaking his head in disappointment.

"Do you want to go?" Iruka asked quietly, resting a hand on his lover's back.

Kakashi looked into Iruka eyes, but did not give an answer.

Iruka smiled, and waved the waitress over to get them some doggy boxes so they could continue their date at home. He then turned to Genma and Raidou. "I think it's time we take out leave." The couple nodded in understanding as Kakashi and Iruka packed their food into the boxes and left, leaving several bills on the table to pay for their meal. Iruka took Kakashi's hand in his own in an attempt to calm the man. Waving goodbye to his two friends he and Kakashi walked out.

Once both Kakashi and Iruka were out of earshot, Raidou elbowed his companion in the ribs.

"Holy shit! What the fuck, Rai?!"

Do you have to make him so uncomfortable?"

"Kakashi? We're old friends, he needs to loosen up a little. Ruka's good for him, but I still worry. Besides, it's funny to see Mr. Unflappable get all flustered."

"You're an ass." The scarred man muttered.

---

Once outside, Kakashi visibly relaxed. "Thank you." He whispered, placing a kiss on a tan cheek.

At that moment, a young civilian girl scrunched her nose up in distaste. "That's disgusting."

Her friend perked up at that. "What?" She questioned in morbid excitement.

The young girl gestured toward Kakashi and Iruka. "Those two boys just kissed!"

The young girl's mother, upon hearing this, rushed out and ushered the two girls into the house. Telling the two young girls not to look at them explaining that they were dirty men. When the girls were inside the woman stood on the porch watching Kakashi and Iruka carefully with a foul look of disgust on her face. She was muttering to herself about sullying the name of love and such as the two men passed.

Kakashi froze for the briefest of seconds, contemplating what he had just heard. He had made Iruka dirty without even realizing it. He had tricked the poor chuunin into loving him in a way that he should have loved a woman. He had done something very wrong, and found himself feeling very dirty for it. He should have realized this was all too good to be true. He should have seen the mess it was creating, but he was too busy pretending. Pretending that this love was good and pure and everything love was supposed to be. Pretending that they were meant for each other. Pretending he could love this man the way he needed to be loved. But he was not a woman, and he could not be what Iruka needed. He was just being dirty. _Disgusting_.

Iruka looked up at him with sad eyes, but there was a deep affection there. He offered a sad smile. "I'm sorry Kashi. She's just a bit closed minded is all." The chuunin squeezed, and they continued walking.

Kakashi found himself nodding in absentminded agreement while his thoughts raced and his heart broke.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed the first chapter! Let me know what you think, ne? Questions, comments, suggestions? I'd like to hear them. ^_^


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Sorry about the delay… Er… my computer (after I finally got it fixed) got thrown out of a fourth story window… so… yeah. I'll only have time to update about once a week for awhile. Hopefully I'll be able to get it fixed. Hopefully. And then my updates will become more frequent. In the mean time, I'm going to try to make these chapters a bit longer to make up for the delay. Thank you all for reading. And thanks to all my lovely reviewers. You're all very inspirational.

* * *

They arrived at Kakashi's apartment, and Iruka was desperately searching for the right words to say to make things better. Kakashi had heard exactly the wrong thing. The jounin pushed the door open, leaving it slightly cracked in tentative invitation.

"Kakashi…" Iruka's voice came out just above a whisper. "would you like me to leave?" He felt his voice thicken in his throat as he fought to reign in his emotions. He wanted to cry, to hold Kakashi and thell him that the woman was just harsh and closed minded. He wanted to kiss him and explain that she knew nothing of love, but the fear that Kakashi might flinch away from his touch broke his heart and kept him in place.

Kakashi gave him a pitiful look, but said nothing. He simply turned his back to the chuunin and walked toward the bathroom for his usually shower. Iruka felt his blood run cold. Kakashi's expression spoke volumes. Iruka could hear the unspoken words echoing in his mind. _Don't make me answer that, neither of us wants to hear me say it._

Iruka took a deep breath and steeped inside, sliding off his sandals. He closed the door behind him, and found himself leaning against it, trying to collect himself. When he had calmed himself enough, he walked into the apartment and found himself looking around in disappointment. It was so empty here. So sterile. He thought Kakashi had come a long way, but looking around the apartment he realized that maybe he had just gotten used to Kakashi; the man had probably changed very little. The urge to clean the apartment in spite of its sterility began to worry him. When had he started thinking that way? When had the urge to keep Kakashi calm and happy overcome the need to help Kakashi adjust? He felt himself tense. 'Help Kakashi adjust' had become his euphemism for 'fix Kakashi', which meant that at some point he had come to think of Kakashi as broken and in need of fixing.

The more he thought the more confused Iruka became. He wanted to change Kakashi, and that seemed wrong. If he loved Kakashi he should love him for who he was rather than who he could be. But Kakashi really was ill, his behavior was just a symptom of an illness, so was trying to cure him wrong? Iruka honestly didn't know the answer to that question. Kakashi's compulsions had come to shape him so wholly that Iruka was unsure of whether or not Kakashi would even be Kakashi without that.

Iruka sat down on the couch and buried his face in his hands. He wasn't exactly sure what to think anymore. He wanted Kakashi to be health, but he didn't want to force change. Maybe he had been too harsh. Maybe he was pushing Kakashi too hard to be something that he simply wasn't. Maybe there was no cure because Kakashi had become his illness. Maybe he was fooling himself and he didn't love Kakashi at all, but loved the idea. The chuunin began outwardly crying at that, thought, but his tears went unnoticed even to himself. No, he loved Kakashi, that much he knew. This was just all so confusing.

Iruka looked over at the clock, wondering if he should head home. His jaw dropped when he saw the time. He jumped off the couch and ran to the bathroom, muttering a quiet "shit". Iruka had gotten so lost in his thoughts he hadn't even noticed how much time had passed. They had been there for hours. Kakashi had been in the shower for hours.

He tapped on the door, listening carefully. Before the chuunin could say anything, the water turned off and Kakashi could be heard dressing himself from behind the door. The door opened shortly after, and Kakashi brushed past Iruka as though he didn't even notice the younger man. Iruka caught Kakashi's arm, pulling the jounin closer.

Kakashi shrugged the hand off, trying to ignore the pain in his chest at seeing the sadness on Iruka's face. Iruka had a face meant for smiles and laughs, even anger suited his face in an amusing way. Sadness had no place there, it didn't suit him, and it hurt Kakashi to see it there. He turned away. It was dirty to love Iruka, so he simply wouldn't.

"Don't." Kakashi whispered coldly. He pulled away completely, and made his way to his bedroom. 'It's dirty." He added almost sadly, closing the door behind him.

Iruka stood frozen in place, staring at the door. _It's dirty_. Iruka repeated it over and over in his mind as though that phrase held the answer to how to solve this problem. He didn't know what to do. He could leave, obviously that was what Kakashi wanted, but that would mean admitting that it was dirty and he'd most likely lose Kakashi forever. Or he could stay, and risk upsetting Kakashi further, but at least he'd be there to explain why it wasn't dirty. Taking a deep breath, Iruka moved to sleep on the couch, hoping that he'd be able to get through to Kakashi before it was too late.

Kakashi stared up at his ceiling, trying to sort the entire situation out. Love Iruka was dirty, and he was an innately filthy person. No, not a person. Kakashi was not a person, he was a monster. He killed, and tortured. He was a thing of death and destruction. He was disgusting. Love, however, was a remarkable thing. If he could love, it meant that not every part of him was horrible. Ir he could love, then maybe he was still redeemable.

It was then that he realized what exactly he was. He had taken the one thing that could have been his salvation and sullied it. He perverted love to suit his filthy soul, and worse, he was perverting Iruka as well. He fell apart then. Gave up on everything. There was no saving him.

He stepped out of his bedroom and slowly made his way to the front door. Iruka shot up, taking Kakashi by the arm, but as soon as Iruka made contact he found himself pressed against the nearest wall with a kunai to his throat.

"Kashi?" He whispered, not even realizing that tears were falling down his face.

Kakashi stared blankly. "Kill me." His voice was calm and uncaring. It was an order. Kakashi was his superior, giving him an order.

Iruka's eyes widened in horror, and he reached a hand up to touch Kakashi's face, but he had barely even moved before Kakashi pinned his arm to the wall.

"I don't want to have to hurt you." Kakashi's voice was distant.

"I love you…" Iruka whispered sadly.

"Don't." The jounin spat, letting Iruka go. "Get out."

Iruka looked at the man before him, unsure of what to do with himself. "Kakashi, it's okay, just talk to me." His voice cracked as the tears fell, but he made no move to leave.

"No." Kakashi said simply. Iruka was not following orders. Kakashi didn't like that.

"Please, Kashi, tell me what you're thinking." Iruka pleaded desperately.

"Monsters do not think."

"You're not a monster Kakashi."

Kakashi smiled, and Iruka felt very cold at the sight of it. "I think you had better leave."

Iruka was visibly shaking. "I don't want to leave you…"

The jounin laughed. "Kakashi left awhile ago, and I don't think you want to get to know me."

Iruka didn't need to ask the obvious question. Kakashi was gone, this was the Copy-Nin, or more probably Hound. The ANBU mask was a symbol. They were not people when they wore those masks. They hid behind the face of a beast and became beasts. Perhaps that was what made them so very frightening. Iruka felt his heart sink at that realization, but he took a deep breath, resolved in what he had to do.

"I love you."

"No." The jounin glared.

"I do." Iruka continued. "I love every aspect of you." _Who you are, who you could be, who you've been._ Iruka felt himself tremble a bit, fighting back more tears. He had answered his own questions, his own worries. He loved Kakashi, all of him.

"You don't even know me."

"I don't have to. You're Kakashi, or at least a part of Kakashi. I love you."

"You love a murderer?" There was a harsh coldness in his voice, that could have cut through Iruka, but the chuunin remained resolved.

"Yes. Very much." He smiled.

Kakashi's face twisted in disgust. Iruka simply reached out to touch his lover. Before Iruka even made contact, his chest was pressed to the floor and his arms behind his back.

Kakashi was close enough to the chuunin's ear for Iruka to feel the hot puffs of breath as the jounin whispered. "That's… too bad. I thought more highly of you."

"Nobody's perfect, Kashi."

Kakashi shifted, uncomfortable with the implications of that statement. "I think you should go."

"You're pinning me to the floor says otherwise." Iruka's voice remained calm, almost comforting.

Kakashi stood, leaving Iruka to do as he would. The chuunin sat up, but did not stand. He looked up, concern evident in his eyes. "You said you wanted me to kill you." His voice was soft and sad.

"Yes." Kakashi's tone was even and uncaring, but he was smiling.

"Why?" The younger man's voice was barely audible.

"Look what I'm doing to you…" He paused, seemingly unable to remain emotionless now. "Go." He muttered, the sadness was frighteningly evident in his voice. "Please."

Iruka understood then what exactly Kakashi had been thinking. The jounin didn't have it in him to defect. He couldn't betray his village like that, and he didn't have it in him to do the deed himself. That, Kakashi understood more than most, would be a betrayal in and of itself. "Kashi… I can't leave you like this." Iruka whispered.

"Because you love me?" Kakashi chuckled, but there was no humor in his voice.

"Yes." Iruka whispered back.

"Don't." Kakashi shook his head. "Please, just… go."

"I love you too much to leave you." Iruka's voice was sad, but comforting.

"Come back in the morning if you have to, but I'd really like to be alone for awhile."

"Kashi" Iruka sighed, but knew the jounin needed his space. "I'll be back in the morning. Early."

"I'll be here." Kakashi's voice was quietly relieved.

"In one piece?" He paused, and decided that he was being too vague. "Unharmed." He corrected.

Kakashi nodded.

Iruka stood and made his way to the door. "I love you." He whispered. He didn't see Kakashi cringe as he closed the door behind him.

Kakashi sulked back to his room, feeling utterly drained, but he knew sleep wouldn't come any time soon. He sat on the edge of his bed, silent and contemplative. Before long he found himself kneeling before his closet fingering the white mask he usually kept safely hidden and locked away. He distantly considered asking Tsunade to rejoin, but mostly he was not looking as his father's sword. He was not thinking about that. He took a deep breath and decided to stop pretending.

He was thinking about it. He was trying to push the images, the memories to the back of his mind, but he was failing. His mind kept wandering back to all those years ago.

_He hadn't been getting along with his father. The man refused to admit there was a problem, and Kakashi refused to speak to him. The man was being ridiculous. He was always like this Kakashi knew. He always let things spiral out of control and pretended that everything would be alright. Kakashi sometimes suspected that Sakumo had let his mother die. Not intentionally, but knowingly. He suspected that his father had just assumed she'd be just fine. His mother had died from complications during the birth. _His_ birth. For a long time Kakashi blamed himself for his mother's death, but every now and then he wondered if maybe his father had just let it happen in his infinite optimism._

_The last thing he remembered saying to his father was that the man was useless, and the whole village knew it. The village hated Sakumo, but he paid them no mind. He had a son to raise, and that was all that mattered. But more and more it was becoming obvious that the village had raised his son for him. The boy was grown before his time. Too mature of his age. His son held none of his values, the boy was very by the book, very serious. Sakumo fought not to think what he already knew. His son hated him. The boy fought tooth and nail to be something other than his father. He hid behind his mask in hopes of hiding his relation to his father. Sakumo had failed the one person he had left that actually mattered. He failed his wife, his village, and now his son. He had failed at everything so completely._

_Kakashi came home from a mission. He'd been gone for several days and when he returned home it was strangely still. This wasn't unexpected. For awhile, Sakumo had tried too hard to win him back, but lately it seemed as though his father ws giving that up. He didn't greet Kakashi when he returned home anymore, but there was always a meal ready for him. Kakashi headed to the kitchen. There was no food. His father was probably just gone on a mission. That also wasn't strange, but there should have been a note telling Kakashi the general details. Mission rank, how long he'd be gone. The basics. There was none. Had his father given up so completely? Kakashi mentally shrugged. It was for the best anyway. With a yawn Kakashi turned to leave. He'd just pick up something to eat._

_He paused. Something was wrong. Very wrong. It smelled wrong. At first Kakashi thought it was just him. The way the smell of death on his clothes intensified when he stepped into his home. That was normal. The smell lingered, built up and clung to the walls reminding him of what he'd done. The strong contrast of the house's usual freshness only seemed to make it worse. But this was different, older. It had been there for a few days at least. Kakashi was sure he'd cleaned after his last mission, but the stench was unmistakable._

_Kakashi followed the smell to his father's bedroom. He cracked open the door not sure what to expect. Had his father been attacked? He pushed the door open and stepped inside. He raised an eyebrow, but that was as far as his reaction went. His father was dead. His sword had carved an angry mouth into his stomach. The abdominal mouth had spewed forth intestines and blood. The flesh was rotting and maggots ate away at the mess. With a sigh Kakashi stepped forward and snatched up the note his father had left. Sakumo had ended his life the day Kakashi left on his mission in hopes that someone else would find him by the time his son returned home. He didn't want Kakashi to see him. He went on to explain that he had lost Kakashi, lost everything. He knew his son was ashamed to look like him. He hid behind a mask so no one would know how he belonged to. His son deserved better._

_Kakashi eyed his father's corpse once more. Now he had killed both of his parents. He went to work cleanin the house as best he could. The medics didn't have to see kakashi's mess from his mission while they came to take care of his father. Once he finished his cleaning he put all the supplies away, and double checked that everything was in its place. _

_He left in no particular hurry, stopping to grab some take out on his way. He made his way to Sandaime's office. He tapped casually on the door and waited patiently to be told to enter. When Saratobi called for him to come in, Kakashi obeyed, taking a seat across from the Hokage, letting his food rest on the floor beside him._

"_Kakashi-kun," Sandaime looked quizzical, but pleased, "you've already turned in your mission report. Is there something else I can help you with?" It was good that Kakashi was finally talking to someone though Saratobi couldn't' help but wish Kakashi had gone to a peer. Kakashi was so young. A baby really. He should have been playing with friends, but Kakshi was too serious to play and too mature of kids his age. But Kakashi had come to him for something, and that was progress._

_Kakashi fought not to glare at being referred to as a child. "My father is dead." He stated simply. It was only after a moment of consideration that he had said 'my father' rather than 'Sakumo' as he had been saying in his mind. There was no emotion in his voice as he relayed that fact. He said it simply, as though merely explaining that his father was taking a nap. An unimportant detail._

_Sandaime didn't seem to register the information, for he didn't react at all. He just sat with the same quizzical expression. Kakashi decided that perhaps his father could explain a bit better. He produced the note his father had left, and silently surrendered it._

_Saratobi took the note and read it over silently. The older man's pained expression did not go unnoticed by Kakashi. Sandaimi looked up from the paper, his expression hurt and sorry, but he remained silent for a long moment._

"_Kakashi…" it was obvious the man wasn't exactly sure what else to say. "I'm very sorry." He said at last._

_Kakashi shrugged. "Happens." He stood to leave, content that he had done his duty. "Body's back at the house." He added as an afterthought._

"_Kakashi." Saratobi's voice stopped him. The man's tone spoke of his disappointment. Kakashi was only a child. Just a baby, and already he was so distant. "Did you hate him that much?" He sounded defeated, as though he had just lost both Kakashi and Sakumo._

_Kakashi didn't answer._

"I didn't hate you at all." Kakashi murmured, picking up his father's sword. It was his now, as his father had wished. It was the first time he had said it out loud. He didn't hat his father. He didn't wear his mask because he was ashamed of his father. He looked very much like his dad, and he was so very dirty. His father was having enough trouble without people blaming him for how his son turned out. Sakumo was a good man. Kakashi took that from him. His filth rubbed off on his father and ultimately killed him. Now he was doing the same to Iruka.

For the first time Kakashi understood why his father did what he did. Thinking about how he was ruining Iruka, the one good thing he had. This was how his father felt. There were his last thoughts. Kakashi felt his chest tighten. He wanted to cry, but the tears refused to come. He wanted to grieve and be done with it, but he couldn't seem to find that release. Sorrow took hold of him, his chest tight and a thick lump in his throat he couldn't seem to swallow, but he could not cry. Only people cry. Kakashi was not a person.

Did his father even know he loved him?

---

Iruka bolted down the street. Everything about that was wrong. He ran faster than he was aware his legs could carry him, and threw open the door to Tsunade's office. She was still there. _Thank Kami_. Tsunade glared, probably due to Iruka's lack of etiquette. He did not knock nor did he bow. Minor details. There was something more important.

"Kakashi…" Iruka realized as he tried to speak that he couldn't breathe. A minor detail. "Someone needs to keep an eye on Kakashi." There he got it out. He was gasping now, but still focused.

Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "That's what you're for."

Iruka didn't see any signal given, nor did he sense any sort of movement, but he knew that as Tsunade spoke her reply in her deceptively calm voice, and ANBU made his way to watch over Kakashi.

"He…" Iruka wasn't really sure what to say. "He doesn't want me around right now." He said finally. He knew he'd have to do more explaining, but he had said it at least, and he wasn't crying, though he could tell his body was trying to. First, however, he had to start breathing properly. Then he would worry about emotions.

"Something happen between you two?" She tilted her head slightly in contemplation. He could tell she was worried, and forcing herself to remain calm for his sake. Her face was slightly strained, Iruka guessed it was due to her refraining from knitting her brow and asking him a string of worried questions all at once.

"No." Iruka said simply. He glared, daring her to pry.

"How bad is he?" She asked after a brief pause.

"Not sure completely. Pretty bad. He promised me he wouldn't hurt himself, but…" He paused, considering how much he should tell. "He wanted to die." He said finally.

Tsunade nodded. It wasn't uncommon, they both knew that, but it was worrisome.

"He doesn't have it in him to…" Iruka couldn't bring himself to say it, but he knew what Tsunade was thinking. "You don't have to worry." He said instead.

Tsunade nodded once more. Kakashi wasn't going to betray Konoha. "Does he have any other friends?"

"Genma" He replied after a moment. "Though they haven't been getting along very well lately." Any other time Iruka would have smiled at that fact. Genma's prying was quite humorous, but right now it didn't even strike him as remotely comical. Everything hurt and he was just so tired. He was breathing now, though unsteadily. He wanted to cry, but that could wait. He was busy.

Tsunade let out a long breath. "Gai?" She suggested, though even she winced at the thought.

"I'm not sure I'd call them friends." He could have explained, but he was too tired to care.

Tsunade nodded again. "Let Genma know. He's better than nothing."

Iruka nodded and bowed before heading out to find Genma.

---

Iruka showed up at Genma's apartment late at night looking quite flustered. Genma smirked at the picture before him in obvious excited amusment.

"Raidou!" He shouted behind him. "Get the lube!" He then turned to face his guest, and was greeted with an expression of horrified confusion. "You and Kakashi ran out?" He asked in an odd sort of explanation.

"What? No!" He was almost angry, but it took too much effort to be angry and he was just so _tired_. "I need to talk to you." His voice was very serious. Genma stopped smiling and stepped aside, silently inviting Iruka inside. The look on the younger man's face was unmistakable. He'd seen it before, and it never got easier to look at.

"How is he?" He asked once they'd taken seats in the living room. He absently waved Raidou off as the man came bouncing in, lube in one hand and a beer in the other. Raidou was giddy with the buzz of alcohol, and obviously amused at Iruka's company. One look at the chuunin, however, seemed to sober him up. He stopped smiling and was suddenly not in the mood to joke.

"Is he alright?" Raidou asked after a moment, his voice more somber than it should have been. Raidou was such a happy drunk.

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A/N: Uh… I didn't really intend for it to be that sad when I started it… I hope you all enjoyed it.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Hi everybody! Thank you all very much for your reviews. They were very encouraging.

This chapter is a bit lighter… a bit… very little. But I figured it'd be good to take a break from all the heaviness… that's not to say that this isn't heavy, but I've started the next chapter… and well… believe me when I say this is a break. It gets better though! Eventually… This sadness is almost over I think. So just hang in there! I hope you all enjoy this chapter.

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Iruka took a shaky breath. Raidou was rubbing comforting circles on his back, but the action was doint nothing to comfort him.

"We need a watch team." Iruka's voice was flat and lifeless, very unlike the chuunin.

Genma nodded. Iruka hadn't said it, but there was a problem. A watch team was not to be noticed, a group of close friends that kept a distant eye. They couldn't be too obvious or it might aggravate the situation. So, a few close friends would invite whoever was being watched out for drinks or to dinner. There was a silent understanding that all ninja went out about once a week with friends. Usually on Fridays or Saturdays when work was slow and the morning after hurt less. It wasn't a rule, but it was important. It prevented flags from being raised.

Kakashi didn't really have friends. He certainly didn't go out. He had also never been watched. Despite his profound instability, he never really seemed to need it. He was so harsh and unemotional as a child that even the Uchihas seemed melodramatic in comparison. Kakashi stoicism spoke of just how much he didn't care about anything enough for anyone to worry. He was the ideal ninja. As he got older, after Obito's death, he only became more human, more real. He had feelings, and hobbies, and flaws. He was healthy. He was coping. Or at least it seemed that way.

It was obvious now that he was not fine. He was not coping. He was not healthy, and this breakdown was very serious. Kakashi started killing at the age of six. He was good at what he did, and he was good at not dealing with it. But the dam was now broken and there was no going back. It was all coming out at once, and it would be violent and messy.

That was obviously not their only problem. There would be no subtly with Kakashi. There was no way to get close to him and ask vaguely personal questions, and be certain he was alright. This was going to be very bad, and there was no way around it.

"Any ideas?" Raidou voiced what was on everyone's mind, the alcohol making him bolder than the other two men. No one wanted to address the obvious impending disaster.

Iruka's body sagged. He was too exhausted to deal with all this, but Kakashi needed him right now.

Raidou shot Genma a worried glance. Genma nodded and leaned forward in contemplation. "I'll handle it." He said quietly.

Iruka looked at him, tired and confused. He was just too exhausted to figure this out, but he was too worried to trust anyone else with the details.

"I'll talk to him. Don't worry, I won't push, but someone has to do it, and it's going to be bad. There's no way around that. Let him be mad at me." He shrugged. "He'll get over it. Always does."

Iruka started at the blonde warily, but he couldn't think of anything better. "I'm going to see him tomorrow. Should I tell him you're coming?"

Genma frowned, unsure of how to answer. "Do what you think is best."

Iruka fought not to groan at the word 'think'. Kami he was tired. Raidou looked at the chuunin sadly. This was taking a lot out of him.

"Take him home." Raidou whispered.

Genma nodded and stood, helping Iruka to his feet. They left slowly and silently. Genma pretended not to notice the younger man crying.

Iruka had a hard time getting to sleep that night. He was too tired to sleep, and worried. And his eyes wouldn't stop leaking, though he was sure he was done crying.

---

Kakashi was startled awake by a knock at the door. He didn't remember falling asleep. He was leaning awkwardly against a wall near his closet, his father's sword in his lap. He didn't bother answering the door. He moved to put his ANBU uniform away, annoyed at the aches in his muscles from his awkward sleeping position.

He looked out the window, wondering how long he'd been asleep. The sun was just peeking over the horizon. It was early morning. Unreasonably early. Another knock came. He begrudgingly stood from his place on the floor and headed to answer the knocking. Iruka had said early, apparently he meant it. Kakashi wanted to smile at that, but couldn't seem to bring himself to do it.

He cracked the door open, squinting out into the light shining just over the horizon. Iruka was just a silhouette against the backdrop of the rising sun. Kakashi stepped away, leaving the door cracked. Iruka took it as an invation and slid inside, closing the door behind him. He looked up to see Kakashi lounging on the couch. The whole scene was much too casual. Iruka wanted to scream.

"Kakashi…" Iruka's voice sounded so defeated, and Kakashi couldn't help but feel desperate. Saratobi had used that tone with him. Iruka felt Kakashi was lost to him, and that stung more that the jounin would have guessed. "Are you alright?" There was a hesitation that told Kakashi that the chuunin wanted to say something more, but wouldn't.

Kakashi actually considered being honest, but couldn't bring himself to admit weakness. "Fine." His voice was cool and collected.

"I can't help you if you aren't honest." Iruka's voice took on an edge of irritation.

"And I don't recall needed help." Kakashi was angry. It was childish, he knew, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

That struck a nerve with Iruka. He was trying to fix what wasn't broken. "I can't help us if you don't tell me what's wrong." His voice was soft and sad.

Kakashi glared. He was clinging to his anger, but it was easier to deal with than the overwhelming sadness. He wanted this to be fixed. He wanted to be assured that their love wasn't a bad thing and that Iruka wouldn't be made dirty by it. He wanted to go back to being happy. He thought about making another sarcastic comment to cover up all that he was feeling, but settled on glaring instead, not really trusting his voice.

This was better. Iruka would realized how dirty this was, how bad Kakashi was for him, and he would leave. The chuunin would be sad for a little while, but he'd get over it and everything would go back to the way it was. Kakashi would shut himself off from the world entirely, and that would be it. Sure, Kakashi would probably never cope, but one day Iruka would find someone else, and it wouldn't be dirty. Iruka would be happy, and that would be worth it.

"Kakashi…" Iruka sighed, that hurtful suggestion of defeat in his voice. "Are you happy?"

_No! _Kakashi thought it so loud that he was sure the chuunin heard. He shrugged. "Does it matter?"

Iruka's face was torn between hurt and angry. "Are you happy with me?" The tremble in his voice told Kakashi that the hurt had won out.

"Was I?" The jounin's voice was calm and uncaring. Iruka didn't miss the not so subtle implication.

"Were you?" The chuunin visibly deflated.

Kakashi shrugged. He was silently screaming that he had been happy. More than happy, and that he wanted to go back to that, but he couldn't actually admit it aloud. "I'm a ninja." He said simply." Iruka didn't need to hear the rest. He was a ninja. Ninja are never happy. Never sad. Ninja don't feel anything.

"Did you love me?" Iruka's voice made it more than obvious that he knew what Kakashi's answer would be.

"Don't." Kakashi was stoic, but there was the barest hint of sadness in his voice.

"No. I deserve an answer, Kakashi." Iruka couldn't bring himself to care that he was crying.

"I'm a ninja." Kakashi whispered, but the deep sorrow in his voice belied his statement. He just wanted to be told that it was alright. That their love wouldn't ruin Iruka. He wanted so badly for that to be true.

Iruka left without another word. Kakashi sank to the floor shaking. Iruka was gone. He had lost the chuunin. It hurt so much, and Kakashi had no idea what to do about it. He considered picking up a kunai and tearing into his flesh to make the pain tangible. He knew how to deal with a flesh wound, but this was something he just did not understand.

---

Genma approached the apartment, suddenly feeling that perhaps this was a bad idea. He was young, full of life… sounding too much like Gai. He sighed. He had Raidou to take care of. The poor idiot probably wouldn't be able to find his own ass if Genma weren't around to show him where it liked to hide, so cleverly behind him. Kakashi was a friend, and Iruka was a sweetheart, but he really didn't want to die. He'd seen Kakashi angry, and it was more than just terrifying. He'd never seen Kakashi hurting like this, and Genma was seriously starting to think that the death threats might bemore than just threats if the silver-haired man was as bad as Iruka made him sound.

Genma took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Kakashi through the door open so fast, Genma had to wonder if the sound had even reached him before the door opened. Kakashi's eye stared out, looking almost desperate, but when he spotted Genma he simply scowled and silently waited for the blonde to speak his piece.

"Uh…" Genma scratched the back of his head nervously. "Can I come in?"

Kakashi scowled more.

"I need to talk to you."

Kakashi continued scowling and started to close the door.

Genma was anxious, he wanted to bolt, but just seeing Kakashi like this was enough to strengthen his resolve. Kakash looked tired. Not just his usual tired look, but his eye was slightly bloodshot and it was obvious he was having trouble keeping It open. He was shaking, though very faintly and it seemed as though he was having trouble standing. It was sad in a frighteningly dangerous sort of way. "It's about Iruka." Genma added at last.

Kakashi paused. There was the barest hint of emotion in Kakashi's eye, but it flickered out before Genma had a chance to decipher what he had seen. The silver haired man stood still for a moment as though frozen, and finally stepped outside, closing his door behind him. "What?" Genma was certain the question was meant to sound harsh and uncaring, but it ended up sounding forced and sad.

"He's worried about you. He loves you and he wants to know that you'll be okay." Genma realized that he probably should have thought of something to say, but it was too late now.

"I'm fine." Kakashi glared, this time succeeding in coming off as harsh and uncaring.

Genma raised an eyebrow. "Iruka knows you better than I do, but even I can see that you aren't fine. You look like…" _Like you did when Yondaime died. _"You look like shit." He said finally.

Kakashi shrugged. "Been worse. Just tired."

Genma mentally groaned. Kakashi was going to be laconic and this was going to be more difficult than it needed to be. "Fuck dude, can we just be honest? This is serious. Iruka loves you. And if you don't love him, then you might want to report whatever the fuck happened to you to Tsunade-sama cuz you are clearly not well. I've been chakra depleted and bleeding to death and looked better than you do right now."

Kakashi glared. "This is really none of your business." There was a threatening edge to his voice.

"Kakashi, you're both hurting. I think deaf, blind, and dumb people in friggin' Wave Country know you two are meant for each other. You've been pining after that guy for years dude, and you're going to throw that all away because some old cow doesn't approve? You read porn that half the village refers to as 'filth' in public and giggle like the gay man you are, and you're going to throw this away because one person thinks it's dirty? You're being ridiculous."

Kakashi glared harder. "You want to leave now." He threatened darkly.

"No dude. Kill me if it makes you happy, but tell Raidou I love his stupid ass. You need to hear this. You need to know what you're doing to Iruka."

"I know exactly what I'm doing to him. He'll get over it."

"He'll get over it? So that's it? What about you? Will you get over it? When you see Iruka talking and laughing with some other guy it won't bother you? When they hold hands, when they kiss, when they fuck, that won't hurt? Are you really that cold?"

Kakashi visibly tensed. "This isn't about me. It's better this way."

"Better how?! You're falling apart! And Iruka's… have you seen him? He's completely broken, dude. And why? Because you don't want to be dirty or some shit? Is that really worth all this?"

I told you that This is not about me, and you really have worn out your welcome here." Kakashi was getting angry.

"You always do that. You always threaten people when they start to get too close to the truth, when they start to know too much. Will you just stop and listen? This isn't good! It's not good for anyone. He's loves you. And you love him. He's not just going to get over that. It's not that simple!" Genma was shouting in frustration. He took a deep, calming breath. "If it's not about you then what is it about?"

"This is none of your concern." Kakashi growled.

"I'm not leaving at least until I understand why you're doing this. What is it about?"

Kakashi sighed and leaned against the door in defeat. "I really want to kill you right now." Kakashi muttered.

Genma realized then just how different Kakashi was from most people. He meant that. Kakashi actually had the urge to end his life. Most people said it and didn't really mean it. It was just a phrase meant to express a great degree of anger or frustration, but Kakashi actually wanted to kill him. Killing had become such a casual thing for the man that it was really just a part of life. He couldn't turn it off. He didn't have a 'mission mode' like most did. This was just who Kakashi was. He had never developed a human side.

"I'm only trying to help." Genma whispered. He truly felt sorry for Kakashi. "Tell me what it's about."

Kakashi looked away and remained silent for a few moments. "It's about Iruka." He said finally.

Genma remained silent, waiting for Kakashi to continue.

"I don't want to hurt him. Everyone else gets hurt, and I don't want that for him. I want him to be happy."

"Shouldn't that be his decision? He was happy with you."

Kakashi shook his head. "I don't think I'd be able to handle it if I hurt him."

"You're hurting him now." Genma's tone was surprisingly sensitive and Kakashi was left wondering if Genma had been through this before.

"He's not dead." Kakashi glared at the ground for no particular reason as he spoke.

Genma was quiet for a moment. "You think you're going to kill him?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I've killed everyone else." He'd killed both of his parents. He'd killed Obito and Rin. He was their team leader. He should have been more careful. He should have been a better leader. Then they wouldn't be dead. He should have been there for Minato. He should have taken his sensei's place.

Genma sighed. "You need to stop thinking that way. It's not your fault. None of it was your fault. We're ninja. Death is a part of life. You can't blame yourself for all of this. It happens. It sucks, but that's just life, dude."

"Everyone I've loved has died. It's not just a coincidence. Two points make a line. Three make a pattern. I've got one hell of a pattern going, and I don't want to see that happen to Iruka."

"The only reason everyone you've loved has died is because you don't bother trying to get to know people. Do you have any idea how many of the people I've loved have died? I made new friends. I found Raidou. You gave up. You don't love anyone Kakashi." Genma considered the fact that he had actually lost more people than Kakashi had. He loved more, and therefore lost more, but that wasn't exactly what Kakashi needed to hear just then.

"I love Iruka." Kakashi whispered sadly.

"Then tell him."

"Why? So he'll hold on to this? It's better if he just thinks I never loved him at all. Safer."

Genma smiled. Smiled of all things. The expression was completely out of place. "You've got it bad." He almost chuckled.

Kakashi shrugged. "He's worth it… special I guess. More human than most of us." Kakashi idly wondered why he was sharing so much. Genma was always much too curious. It was unsettling, but maybe Genma could explain some of it to Iruka, not all of it, but enough to get the chuunin through this. "He would have been good for me, but I couldn't do that to him. I'm not worth that."

"Not worth what?"

"Iruka's life. He could… fix me I think. Save me from myself, but that's not worth losing him. He means too much. He's too valuable. It's better this way."

Genma straightened from his slouched position and turned to leave. "Well, you seem to have this whole thing figured out, but there's just one thing I want you to think about. I doubt you'll ever get over Iruka." He paused and gave Kakashi a moment to let that sink in. Kakashi knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that he'd never get over the chuunin. "If you won't get over him, what makes you think he'll be able to get over you?" Genma disappeared in a puff of smoke before Kakashi had time to answer.

Kakashi was left alone to think that through.

---

Genma materialized back in his apartment. He heard was happening before he saw it. Someone was crying softly and Raidou was shushing them and whispering quiet assurances. When the smoke cleared, he saw Iruka curled up on the couch crying. Raidou was rubbing the chuunin's back and trying to comfort him. The scarred jounin looked up at his lover sadly, his expression pleading. Raidou didn't really know what to do to help.

Genma approached the couch and placed a hand on the chuunin's shoulder. "What happened?" He asked carefully. Raidou noted the rather drained expression on Genma's face.

Iruka shook with the effort of trying to calm his breathing enough to speak. "He… He doesn't love me."

Genma's brow furrowed in annoyance. "He said that to you?"

"Not… exactly." Iruka whispered between controlled sobs. "But I don't… I don't think he ever loved me." He wiped his eyes trying to reign in his emotion. "He may have thought he did… Probably wanted to, but I doubt he ever did. He never feels anything… he's so…. He's so numb." He was calming down, but the sadness thick in his voice. Genma almost wished he'd go back to crying. It was easier to hear.

"Iruka…" Raidou sighed sadly, but he wasn't exactly sure what to say.

"He's not as numb as he'd like you to think." Genma finished.

"It doesn't matter. If he loved me he wouldn't be doing this. He wouldn't be acting this way. I'd never be able to do this to someone I loved." Iruka's voice was shaky with unshed tears.

Genma sighed. "Go talk to him tomorrow. Give him some time to think. He's very lost right now. He needs to figure this out for himself."

Iruka nodded, but it was obvious the chuunin had give up all hope. He couldn't continue holding on to hope whent eh thought of what he might lose hurt so much. It was easier to just give in and accept the inevitable. It was easier to just let it hurt than it was to try to stop the hurting.

"Why don't you sleep here tonight?" Raidou offered. "I don't think I want you alone right now."

Iruka nodded and drifted off to sleep curled up on the couch almost instantly.

Radiou looked up at his lover. "You alright, babe?" He whispered, trying not to wake their sleeping guest.

Genma shrugged. "Talking to Kakashi brought up a lot of old memories." He leaned over and kissed Raidou's forehead. "I love you."

Raidou smiled sadly. "Love you too. C'mon. Let's get to bed, kay?"

Genma nodded and they headed off to bed thinking about all the people they'd lost and how glad they were to have each other.

---

Kakashi was staring at his ceiling again. What if Iruka never did get over him? This whole thing was meant to save Iruka not to hurt him. But it was better that Iruka was alive and hurting. At least he wasn't dead. Everyone Kakashi loved had died. This was better. Kakashi's eyes widened in sudden realization. He still loved Iruka. What if pushing him away wasn't enough? What if Iruka was going to die anyway? He certainly couldn't stop loving the chuunin. As much as Kakashi hated to admit it, who he loved was something he had no control over. No matter how much logic or rationalization he went through, he could not stop loving the chuunin. He could arrive at the conclusion that this was a bad idea hundreds of times, but he loved Iruka anyway.

Kakashi let out a sigh of frustration. There was only one way out of this. He knew what he had to do, but it was going to be difficult. He realized that he wouldn't be getting any sleep that night and decided to pay Obito a visit. Maybe his old friend would be able to help.

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A/N: Thank you very much for reading. ^_^


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I'm sorry this chapter is so short. I've got more written, but I haven't quite decided which direction I want to go. There are about three versions of this chapter in my notebook at the moment, and I really need to sort through everything, but you guys have been very patient and I really do appreciate that, so I figured it was only fair that I post what I have and end your suffering. Thank you all for reading, and a special thanks to my reviewers who are my inspiration. You're all so lovely.

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Classes were horrible. Konohamaru was at his worst and Iruka was completely distracted. He ended up letting the kids go halfway through the day. He buried his face in his hands. One more minute and he would have completely snapped on all of them. He loved kids, but hell if he could tolerate them. His mind was too preoccupied to deal with children.

He pulled himself to his feet, grateful that Raidou insisted on taking over his shift at the mission desk that day. Iruka sighed and made his way toward Kakashi's apartment. He didn't particularly want to talk to the jounin, but he needed to. He wasn't even completely sure why he needed it. Closure? One last attempt to make things right? He didn't know. He just knew he needed it.

He knocked on the door and waited. There was no answer. Typical. He knocked again. Nothing. Iruka sighed.

"Kakashi?" He called out.

Silence answered him.

Kakashi wasn't around. He sat down with his back to the door and decided to do something productive while he went to work grading papers on 'The Importance of Chakra Conservation'. It was a task mundane enough to offer a level of comfort and monotony. A promise that things never really changed, despite what happened, life went on. Thing remained generally the same. No matter what happened here, life wouldn't be dramatically different with or without Kakashi. Somehow that thought wasn't as comforting as He would have expected.

Iruka lost himself in the simplicity of his work. His thoughts wondered off task occassionally, but he remained generally focused, tried not to think too much about other things. Thinking only made him worry about what might happen with Kakashi. He was so caught up in what he was doing that he didn't notice the presence approaching him. He tensed when a hand landed on his shoulder.

"Come in..."

Iruka looked up to see Kakashi standing over him He looked so tired, but there was an air of certainty about him that was almost comforting. The chuunin stood, and followed Kakashi into the apartment. He had considered what he was going to say, but with Kakashi present none of it seemed important anymore.

"Sit." Kakashi whispered.

In any other context Iruka would have been offended by this developing string of commands, but he understood this. Kakashi something important to say. The only thing that mattered right then was hearing what he had to say.

Kakashi pulled down his mask and looked Iruka in the eye. "I need to be honest with you."

Iruka tensed. Kakashi was being more open than he'd ever been and the chuunin wasn't exactly sure what it meant.

"I love you." Kakashi's voice was sad, but his face was stoic. His eye, however, held a deep pain. This man was tortured and torn; it was painful just to see such an impossibly intense emotion in a singe eye, and as though Kakashi had read Iruka's mind, he closed his eyes before he continued as though steeling himself for a harsh blow. "I love you so much it hurts." Kakashi voice was shaking with emotion, but there were no tears.

"Kakashi..." Iruka wanted to reach out and touch his lover, to hold him and make the hurt go away, but Kakashi short him a look that said he wasn't finished. That the worst was yet to come.

"I don't want to hurt you, but I will. That's just how I am. I'll say the wrong thing or I'll do the wrong things and you'll get hurt. You'll leave me." Kakashi's face twisted in pain, and for once he didn't reign in that emotion. _You'll die. They all die._ "I can't handle that. I can't be the one that hurts you, Ruka. I need you to be happy. I need to know that you'll be alright." He paused. "I need to go away."

"No." Iruka whispered, eyes wide in shock and tears building up.

Kakashi cupped the chuunin's face in his hands and wiped the falling tears away with his thumbs. "Don't cry." He whispered, his voice thick with his own sadness. Tears fell freely down his face.

"Where are you going?" Iruka's voice cracked in desperation.

"Somewhere you can't follow." He paused to calm himself. "You'll find some one else and you'll be happy one day." He was speaking more to himself than to Iruka, reminding himself that his was for the best, but it would do the chuunin good to hear it.

Iruka shook his head. "There is no one else."

"Do it for me, Ruka. Be happy for me, okay?" He smiled sadly. "I'm doing this for you. I need you to understand that this is _for_ you not _because_ of you."

Iruka gave a confused look. "What do you mean?"

Kakashi offered another small smile. "You're important. You're life means something and you've given me what I need. You matter. More than anything, you matter. You need to live and be happy. The village needs you. Do that for me, okay?"

"What are you talking about? Where are you going?"

"That's not important." He kissed the chuunin's forehead. "I love you. Don't ever think that I didn't love you." His thumbs caressed the chuunin's cheeks. He was looking at Iruka as though the smaller man was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

Iruka really did not like the sound of this. "I don't want you to go. I'm happy with you. I won't leave you, Kashi. I promis, but you can't leave me either."

Kakashi shook his head. "You will leave. You might not mean to leave, but you will. Just like everyone else. I made them leave. The village needs you. You do important work. You're a good man. You deserve more than what I have to offer."

"You mean I'll die? Kashi, everyone dies. It's not your fault. And the village needs you. Do you have any idea how vital you are?" He wiped away his tears. "I need you."

Kakashi stood from his perch across from Iruka.

"You need to go now. I just needed you to understand."

"But I don't understand!"

"You will." Kakashi promised.

Iruka would understand when the body was found. Kakashi was going to die as a man. He didn't want to die as the monster. He didn't want to die on a mission. Iruka had taught him to be human, and that's how he was going to depart. He needed to remove himself from the situation. That was the only way to be sure Iruka would be safe.

He had given Iruka what he never had but always wanted. He had explained, assured Iruka that he was loved. It was a strange gift, but an important one. He'd understand when the body was found. Iruka found himself shaking in a mix of fear and anger. Kakashi wouldn't... But it certainly sounded like the man had given up completely. He let out a sigh and Kakash looked away, sitting back down. This wasn't going to be good. He was getting frustrated. Iruka could take care of himself. He was a chuunin for a reason! It was insulting that Kakashi though he couldn't take care of himself. Sure it was sweet in a strictly Kakashi sort of way, but right now he was angry and thus ignored anything that wasn't going to fuel his anger further.

Kakashi's eye shot up as he felt a flare of angry chakra. By the time his eye landed on the chuunin in front of him, that angry shock was ebbing into a pulsating little sadness. Iruka's head was hanging don so that Kakashi couldn't actually see the chuunin's face. Nothing about this felt right.

"I won't let you." Iruka whispered hoarsely.

Kakashi stared at the chuunin uncertain of what to do, he wasn't even exactly sure what to think at the moment.

"I won't lose you." Iruka looked up. Tears were running down his face.

Something was off. Kakashi smelled blood. A lot of blood.

Iruka was bleeding. "I'm sorry." He choked out, though Kakashi wasn't sure if it had something to do with the chuunin's obvious bleeding or if the crying was strangling his voice. "I'm sorry." He croaked out and then his body went limp.

Kakashi froze. His whole life was crumbling down around him. He'd killed Iruka.

"I'm not dead Kashi." Iruka's voice rang in Kakashi's ears, but Iruka's corpse was lying their motionless. "I needed you to understand." He sounded so sad. "I didn't want to hurt you, but you needed to understand."

Kakashi had finally snapped. He was having a conversation with a dead guy. Wait. Why was he so sure Iruka was dead? He hadn't checked the body. There was still hope. Kakashi moved toward Iruka slowly. His whole body felt heavy, but he ignored that, groping at Iruka's body, searching for a pulse. He was so cold. The tan skin was turning a sickly grayish color. This was all happening too fast. Iruka was slipping away too fast and there was nothing he could do.

"No. Nonononononononononononono..."

"Shh... Kashi I'm fine."

Kakashi hadn't noticed he was talking until he was interrupted by the Iruka in his head.

"Don't be dead. You're supposed to be happy." Kakashi whispered both to the Iruka in his arms and the one in his mind. He was shaking, tears falling slowly down his face, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He was so helpless. So human right then. There was no ninjutsu or aquired skill that he could use right then. Nothing could make this better, and he felt so frail. So weak. He was just a man then. Not the vicious killer that had once inhabited this body, he was a mere mortal, clinging to one thing that mattered. Clinging to what he'd already lost. It was stupid, but he didn't care. It hurt so much Kakashi sincerely doubted that it'd ever stop. He could drop dead right then and nothing would remain of this fragile human, but the pain would linger on. There was no escaping this feeling. So he did the one thing he could. He wept, silently and alone.

It was a foreign feeling and it did nothing to ease the pain, but his body seemed to need it and he couldn't be bothered to keep that need in check.

"I want you to think about how you feel right now." Iruka whispered. "I doubt that pain would ever go away.

Kakashi knew it wouldn't.

"What you are feeling right now is what I'd feel if you did this to me. I don't want you to leave me, Kashi."

Iruka released his genjutsu then. It took Kakashi a moment to realize what was going on.

"Ruka?" He asked quietly, his voice strangely steady.

"It was just a genjutsu."

Kakashi was still crying, but he didn't seem to notice. He stared blankly.

There was an awkward silence in which neither even moved.

"Sorry." Iruka whispered softly. If it hadn't been so eerily still Kakashi wouldn't have heard it.

"I deserved that." Kakashi almost smiled. Almost. It still hurt. It was probably going to haunt him for the rest of his life, but Iruka was right to do it. Kakashi needed to see it. He needed to understand what exactly he was doing. Now, though, he'd need some time to cope with everything. Probably a lot of time, but he was a ninja. He could push it to the back of his mind and let it fade until he could handle it.

Iruka didn't want to go back to their discussion. He wanted to remain silent and let Kakashi sort through what had happened, let the man be for awhile. Everything was still too fresh, but it was best to get it over with now rather than opening these wounds again later.

"Tell me why, Kashi. It's never going to go away if we don't work through it."

"I was just trying to keep you safe. I wanted to do what was right for you."

"You're what's right for me." Iruka wanted to be angry, but he couldn't.

"You think that now, but it won't be true later. I'm not good for you. I have nothing to offer you."

"You make me happy. Isn't that enough?"

Kakashi shook his head. "I don't know."

"Tell me what you're thinking. Let me help you." Iruka's voice was pleading and concerned.

"I don't want to hurt you. And I don't want to make people think less of you. I want you to be happy." Kakashi let out a sad sigh. "I just want you to be happy."

"I'm happy with you." There's more to this than you're saying."

Kakashi stared at the far wall for a long moment. "It's dirty." He whispered softly.

"You think so?" Iruka asked taking Kakashi's hand in his own.

Kakashi had to fight not to pull away. Iruka felt right. Just being near him made everything seem better. He shrugged.

"I don't think so." Iruka kissed the jounin's gloved hand and smiled.

It was unfair that Iruka could do that. No matter how much thought Kakashi put into something, no matter how certain he was that this was the best course of action, Iruka could change his mind.

"I don't want you to go away." Iruka whispered.

"I don't want to go away." the jounin admitted."But I want you safe."

"The keep me safe." Iruka wrapped his arms around Kakashi.

Kakashi nodded. This wasn't dirty. Maybe it was like what he'd learned since he'd been with Iruka. Maybe this was dirty, but if it was it was an Iruka Mess, and those were okay. Those meant that Iruka was still in his life, and everything would be okay. Because Iruka was there, and he made everything okay.

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A/N: I'd like to apologize for the tardiness of this chapter. I spent the weekend at the 'Midwestern Conference on Chinese Thought' and had very little time left for myself. But! On a brighter note, I've got a desktop now... much harder to throw out a window, so hopefully things will run a bit smoother now.... hopefully.

Eep! The typing in this chapter was absolutely horrendous! I've fixed some of the major errors, but I'm sure there are plenty more. I'm sorry.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Hello everyone. I'd like to once again thank all of my readers and reviewers for sticking by this story. I had a horrible bout of writer's block going, but I think I've conquered it, and now we can all move on to happier times. Thanks to all my reviewers for your feedback, it really is inspiring (it's what got all the next stuff written, even if this chapter was hard to get through).

WARNING: This chapter contains sexual themes and yaoi goodness. If you don't like it, well, you probably should have stopped reading long ago.

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Kakashi just held Iruka for a long time. It was strangely clingy for Kakashi's standards, but Iruka wasn't going to complain. The day had been bad. These last few days had been bad, and this comfort wasn't something the chuunin was willing to push away. They both needed this, this nearness. And just holding each other there in the living room of this freakishly clean apartment seemed to melt all the tension away. The wounds were still fresh, still sore, but the pain had begun to ebb and fade, and soon this would just be a distant scar.

Kakashi sighed and pulled Iruka closer as though to be sure the younger man was there and real. Iruka had a hard time fighting off his grin at that. Sure Kakashi had been through a lot these past days, more than Iruka even, especially today, but it was still strange to see Kakashi so willing to show any sort of weakness. This sudden fondness, this excessive need to touch was definitely uncharacteristic of Kakashi, but it was good. Iruka smiled and ran his fingers through Kakashi's silver hair in a soothing motion.

Kakashi inhaled deeply, basking in Iruka's scent. It was comforting and safe. It was a smell that was happy and safe. Suddenly just holding Iruka wasn't enough. He had to see him, know that the chuunin was alright and that they could really put this behind them. He pulled away, and looked into those warm chocolate eyes, and any hesitation he'd had melted away. Kakashi felt so incredibly loved right in that moment that he wasn't really sure what to do with himself. Iruka was looking up at him with such intimate honesty, such love and devotion, that Kakashi was completely overwhelmed. He was relieved that this whole mess was finaly coming to an end, but there was still that lingering sting of pain that only time would heal. He was also feeling an unfamiliar sort of shyness at being so exposed, but he knew that this was good, Iruka wanted to see this, to see the Kakashi that was a person.

So many thoughts were racing through the jounin's mind, but staring into those expressive brown eyes Kakashi couldn't help the need to express how much Iruka truly meant to him in every way possible. He was sure his eyes... hell, his entire face, was probably speaking volumes right now about just how much he adored the chuunin. Kakashi leaned forward, and captured the chuunin's lips in a kiss. It was meant to be simple and chaste, but Kakashi had harnessed all that pent up emotion and put it all into one slow and passionate kiss.

They parted hesitantly, but the need the kiss had instilled was still thrumming through them, and the kiss was not enough. Kakashi needed Iruka to know exactly everything he was feeling right then, and one simple kiss wasn't going to be enough. He needed something more. He opened his mouth to try to vocalize what he was feeling, but there were no words adequate for describing exactly what he was feeling, and saying so sounded cliche and wrong, even in his head. He had to _show_ Iruka. They'd talked enough for now. This was a time to demonstrate. Words could only go so far.

It was Iruka who leaned in and stole a kiss this time, a long, lingering affair that left them both breathless. Hands were wondering, suddenly clothes were being shed. Their pace was slow, and it seemed like hours before they had even finished shedding their ninja gear, which had been relatively scarce to begin took their time, each touch held a deeper meaning: and apology, a promise, a need. This was a conversation they could not have had in words.

Iruka found himself laying back on the couch staring up at Kakashi's expressive bicolored eyes in awe. Kakashi took his time preparing him, placing slow kisses on his chest and stomach as he worked. They were both aching with need, but that was just an after thought, what they were doing was more than just fulfulling a need; this was deeper than that. Even the phrase 'making love' seemed an insult to their silent conversation, for them it was so much more than that. When Kakashi finally eased into his lover, there was a pause in motion. Their eyes met, and their breath mingled, and they were both shaking. Shaking with emotion, with the intensity of what they were sharing, with the pleasure tickling through them.

Their pace remained slow and through it they said the things they couldn't express with words. Kakashi tucked a loose strand of hair behind Iruka's ear in a whispered promise of devotion, and Iruka answered with a tentative kiss to Kakashi's bicep in a gentle pledge of support. This exchange continued with its undertones of intensity and desire as their bodies moved together. The pace gradually quickened, though their discussion wasn't lost amongst the rising passion.

And then Kakashi stopped moving, his breath coming ragged and short. Iruka quite pleadings seemed to cease, and it was only when they'd stopped that Kakashi had realized he'd heard them at all. Iruka rocked his hips back, and was answered with a strangled, pleasured growl. Kakashi placed a hand on Iruka's hips, in a request for a moment for the jounin to gather himself. He was near the edge, and Iruka could feel it. They both needed this release, but more than that Kakashi needed Iruka to know just how much he loved him. He leaned down and captured the chuunin's lips in a long, lazy kiss as their bodies picked up where they'd left off.

Kakashi hadn't really heard Iruka's moans and whimpers before, but now the needy pleading sounds were echoing through his head as his own need seemed to surface. Iruka's body seemed to shudder under him, and his muscles tensed as his orgasm wracked through his body. Kakashi's head fell forward, resting on Iruka's shoulder as his own climax was pulled from him. The sensation seemed to last forever, just tingling its way through him slowly as he struggled to catch his breath.

They stayed there panting and clinging to each other for a long time before Kakashi worked up the strength to move away and give Iruka room to breathe. The chuunin responded by snuggling into Kakashi's chest with a contented sigh. There was still a lot they had to talk about, but now was not the time. Right now they were happy and together and that's all that really mattered.

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A/N: Ooookay. That was unreasonably hard to write. I was very uninspired... even my bathroom (which is where my muses for this fic reside) was of no help with this chapter. But now it's done! I've got the next few chapters started so there shouldn't be such a delay for those, and I do apologize for my tardiness. This chapter was just necessary, and I didn't want to move on without it. Well, I hope you all enjoyed that, and thanks for reading.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Hey everyone. Thanks for all the reviews! They really do inspire me to get this stuff updated. I'm going to try to get at least these next few chapters out in a timely fashion for 1Aryana. I don't want you to have to wait until September either.

I've started typing the next chapter out as well, but there was a bit of a storm where I live. They're calling it an "inland hurricane". No one was hurt too bad as far as I know, but a lot of powerlines have been completely torn down, so as things are getting fixed, I may go without power or internet for short intervals. Obviously, I won't be updating during those periods of time, but I'll try to be as quick as possible.

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Iruka woke up feeling as though he'd slept a week uninterupted. A glance at the bedside clock told him noon was approaching. He missed class. Or he was in the process of missing class at least. He tiredly ran a hand through his hair and trying to bring himself to care about his obscene tardiness. The room was empty, and he sat up looking around for any signs of the events of the night. Looking around, it seemed like a dream. For one he was in bed, and the way he remembered things he'd fallen asleep on the couch with Kakashi pressed closely against him. He'd woken up only to fall off said couch and fall promptly back asleep. Another major issue... This was his house. In his dream he'd fallen asleep at Kakashi's. Had he even gone to see Kakashi yesterday?

Iruka sighed tiredly unsure of what exactly he'd been doing and how long he'd been asleep. He'd been stressed, and maybe his body had finally given up on him. He rubbed his face in his hands, mentally trying to sort everything out. Everything about this was just wrong... and his apartment smelled like food, and not the awkwardly shriveled, rotting food smell. It smelled like breakfast. Nothing about this was adding up, and Iruka was about ready to curl back up and fall back to sleep since the world obviously hadn't missed him much while he'd been busy with his coma.

Kakashi chose that moment to push the door open holding what looked like a plate of food. Food that, presumably, Kakashi had just cooked. The plate was steaming, and a the scent wafting through the room was certainly appetizing. Iruka knew in that instant that he was sleeping. Kakashi, in all the months they'd been together, had never so much as offered to cook. There was no way he'd done it of his own volition, and even if he had (which he hadn't since Iruka was obvioiusly dreaming) it certainly wouldn't be as good as this dream food looked. There was no way Kakashi would suffer through Iruka's mediocre cooking if he had any kind of culinary skills.

The chuunin leaned up against his headboard and stared at the plate incredulously.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

Iruka did him one better, raising both eyebrows, looking from Kakashi to the plate of food and then back again.

Kakashi furrowed his brow and stared at the plate himself, trying to decipher the problem. The food looked good enough, and he was sure his lack of practice hadn't led to a complete inability to function in a kitchen. It smelled fine. He considered the fact that Iruka might just not like what he'd cooked, but he'd chosen this dish, after much agonizing, because he'd seen Iruka eat it on multiple occassions. Iruka cleared his throat, drawing Kakashi's attention back to the bed.

Iruka sat there looking expectant, and Kakashi stood in the door way staring in confusion. He lifted the plate slightly in a manner that seemed to ask if Iruka wanted it or not.

The chuunin nodded.

Kakashi glanced down at the plate, examining it closely as he approached the bed. He couldn't figure out what the problem might be. This was supposed to be a good thing. One of those moments when Iruka looked up at him smiling, and gave him a kiss on the cheek that told him he'd done something right. It wasn't supposed to go quite like this. Sighing, Kakashi decided he'd never figure out how to do this relationship thing, but for Iruka, he'd keep trying. He handed Iruka the plate, and plopped down on the bed feeling a bit defeated.

Iruka looked tentatively at the plate, examining it as though it may do something strange, the way most things in dreams tend to do. When it didn't do anything, he took to poking it. It didn't seem to be responding.

Finally, Kakashi couldn't take it anymore. Surely his cooking wasn't that horrid. He grabbed Iruka's poking hand and slowly pulled it away from the breakfast food. "Um..."

Iruka looked up. Kakashi was looking serious. Much to serious for a simple breakfast. Iruka smiled smugly, content in his evaluation of this dream situation. Though the dream was very vivid, and awfully dull for a dream.

"Ruka, it's just breakfast." He seemed to think about his own statement for a moment before continuing. "You don't have to eat it." He started to reach for the plate, but Iruka jerked it out of reach.

Iruka looked back at the plate again, just staring at its contents before finally deciding to just eat and see what would happen. Unsurprisingly, the dream food was just as good as it had smelled.

Kakashi watched with a morbid sort of fascination as Iruka ate slowly, almost cautiously, but he did seem to be enjoying his meal, which was a good sign.

"It's good." Iruka said silently, around a mouth full of food. He smiled cheerfully over at the jounin, unsure of why this dream was so real, or why he was having it to begin with, but there was good food involved, so Iruka really wasn't going to start complaining.

Kakashi smiled at that. Maybe he had gotten this right.

"When did you start cooking?" Iruka asked offhandedly. Sure, he was pretty sure this was a dream, but a bit of small talk with an imaginary person never really hurt anyone.

Kakashi shrugged. "Since my dad..." he paused. "Since I had to take care of myself." He finished after just a moment's hesitation.

Iruka nodded somberly, and seemed to realize that things were getting a bit too heavy for some silly dream where Kakashi makes him breakfast, even though the older man had made it clear he was done with their relationship. As though testing the water he looked up at Kakashi, face set in serious lines as he considered his next words. "How'd I get here?" He tried to sound conversational, as though he was just mildly curious as to how he'd wound up in his own bed when the last thing he remembered was Kakashi's floor, but he wasn't quite sure if he achieved the neutrality he was aiming for.

Kakashi blushed and rubbed at the back of his neck nervously. "Well, you were pretty out, and I thought it would be nice if I made you breakfast before you woke up, so I went to my kitchen, and there was no food. Nothing that really seemed appropriate for breakfast anyway, and leaving you there on the floor while I went to the store seemed rude. It would have looked pretty bad if you woke up while I was gone. So, I decided to try your place. You always have plenty of food, and I figured this was the best place to find something you'd like anyway. So I teleported us here. I didn't know it was possible to sleep through the teleportation jutsu, but you must have been pretty exhausted. You just sighed and snuggled." Kakashi smiled at the mention of snuggling before continuing on his little ramble. "I would have put you on the couch, but well, you spent a good part of the night on the floor, and the bed seemed the better choice. More comfortable. Plus, I'm not sure it counts as breakfast in bed if you're not actually in bed."

Iruka stared at him a bit doe eyed as he processed all the information. "So... Last night wasn't a dream." He whispered to himself in a mix of shock and joy. Everything really was going to work out.

Kakashi placed a kiss on his forehead, chuckling a bit as he shook his head. "No, it wasn't a dream." He confirmed, amused at how disoriented Iruka must have been to wake up in a completely different enviornment than he'd fallen asleep in.

Iruka grinned happily and leaned his head on Kakashi's shoulder. He replayed the events of the night before in his head, letting his mind linger over some of the more pleasant parts. A warm feeling settled in his gut and spread slowly out to wash over him, leaving him feeling almost tingly with happiness. His mood a realization suddenly hit him. His eyes went wide and he tensed. "I'm so late for work!" Iruka shouted in a horror so profound, Kakashi would have thought the poor man had been handed a death sentence.

He patted Iruka's head, trailing his finger through the soft strands of hair in an attempt to calm the man. "I told them you were taking a personal day. I know it's not really my place, but you seemed so exhausted and I was a bit worried about how much sleep you've been getting." He cringed a bit in preparation for the scolding he was certain would befall him.

Iruka just stared confused for a moment. He opened his mouth as though to say something, but promptly closed it again, pursing his lips as his brow furrowed in thought. "Thank you." He said finally, deciding it was probably best that he missed the day anyway. The kids would have been in for a pretty rough day if he'd gone in. No doubt his mood would have been frightening at best. Not to mention it was really pretty sweet of Kakashi to be so worried.

Just as he was settling back into Kakashi's side to snuggle and finish his breakfast, a bird came tapping at his window looking as though someone had ruffled its feathers. Iruka groaned and considered throwing something at it to make it go away.

Kakashi slid gracefully off the bed and sauntered over to the window muttering, "It's for me," as he went.

"Summons?" Iruka asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

Kakashi nodded grimly, but didn't move from his spot near the window for a long moment. "I... I don't really have to go. Not yet anyway."

Iruka sighed. "They'll send ANBU after you, and you really should be late to absolutely everything. Tsunade-sama needs you. Just go."

Kakashi sighed and walked back to the bed, taking his place beside Iruka, and wrapping an arm around his waist, pulling the younger man closer to him. "But it's taken years for me to build this reputation, and I may as well put it to good use."

Iruka huffed, but didn't actually bother to vocalize his protest. Afterall, Kakashi had a point. At least if one wanted to be convinced. He snuggled into Kakashi's warmth feeling perfectly content. They stayed that way for quite awhile, just silently close and content with each other until the bird came back, pecking at the window in annoyance.

Iruka begrudgingly pulled away. "You should go." He muttered staring at the stupid bird and idly hoping something very unfortunate happened to the thing that ruined his day off.

"Should I?" Kakashi asked casually, stretching out his muscles as he spoke. "I'm pretty happy right here for now." He grinned and patted the spot next to him on the mattress, coaxing Iruka to scoot back over.

The chuunin gave him a dull look and nodded his head toward the window, in response.

Kakashi took the hint standing up and heading toward the window, grabbing his flak jacket on the way. He sat on the edge over windowsill, and looked over his shoulder. "I'll be back in just a few." He grinned and hopped out the window just like that.

Iruka sat on the edge of the bed suddenly feeling quite lonely. Sure Kakashi had only been gone for a few seconds, and it wasn't like he'd never sat at home alone while Kakashi left on a mission, but something about the timing of this just made Iruka feel as though someone had ripped a part of him off, and he was left sitting there feeling less than whole. There was still too much they had to talk about, too much left unresolved for Iruka to really feel comfortable with having Kakashi taken away from him. But this was they life he'd chosen. A life with Kakashi meant the village came first and Iruka came second, and he could handle that. He just wished he didn't have to.

---

Iruka was nibbling at his breakfast that had gone cold. It tasted good, but somehow it seemed bland without Kakashi there. He sighed taking another small bite and staring out the window Kakashi had left from. Maybe it wasn't a mission. Maybe Tsunade just needed to see him for something. That happened sometimes. Maybe she was just worried since as far as she knew Iruka wasn't going to be around to watch over him anymore. Maybe this was nothing to worry about.

There was a polite knock at the door, and Iruka fought the urge to shout that he wasn't home. He needed to distract himself. Sure, this wasn't the worst thing he'd been through, but it did sting quite a bit. Things were just falling back into place and now Kakashi was going to be ripped away from him, even if just for a little while. It seemed unfair, the life of a shinobi. They gave up so much for their village, for their country and in return they were treated as tools rather than people, pulled out when they were needed and then thrown back without second thought.

Iruka dressed and made his way to the door, still holding his plate of half eaten food. He pulled the door open to find Shizune staring up at him with her typical look of apologetic concern. She raised a hand in greeting. "Tsunade-sama requires your assistance."

Iruka nodded, grabbing a vest from his closet and setting his plate on the kitchen table for later use. He followed Shizune at her quick pace until they reached Tsunade's office. Shizune knocked three times to announce there presence before entering. Iruka followed close behind.

Tsunade sat behind her desk looking perfectly irrate, glaring daggers at Kakashi, who was returning the favor.

"Iruka-sensei," Tsunade's voice was deceptively calm, almost friendly. "I'm glad you could make it. It's nice to see you and Hatake here have patched things up. Now, could you kindly explain to him where his loyalties lie. He seems to have forgotten in all the confusion." She smiled briefly at Iruka before turning back to her glaring match with Kakashi.

The jounin answered before Iruka had a chance to even ask what was going on. "I'm not confused. My loyalties lie with Konoha." He smiled. "But first, they lie with Iruka, and I can't leave. Not today."

Tsunade buried her face in her hands as though it would bury her annoyance as well. "It's a short mission. Two days. You'll be back before you even realize you were gone."

"But not before Iruka realizes I'm gone. We have too much to talk about. Postpone the mission if you have to. Call the client and tell them that I'm unavailable for the time being, but I'll be free in a few days. After all this gets straightened out. Or just find some one else. Genma can do it."

"This is a high paying client Hatake. You were requested. I can't send Genma." Her voice was a low growl at this point. She was putting forth a great effort to refrain from screaming, and it was evident in the strain in her voice. She took a deep breath and looked up at both Kakashi and Iruka with something akin to pity. "Look, I don't want to have to send you out either, but Konoha needs you. We can't afford to lose this client."

Kakashi seemed very somber, as though he was being forced to choose between the lives of two people he loved dearly. "I can't." He whispered, and it was obvious the words as stung him more than he'd anticipated.

Iruka put a hand on Kakashi's shoulder and sighed. "Just go." He whispered, though it hurt to have to tell him. Kakashi was trying; he was trying so hard to get this right, but life was not without its trials. "I can wait." He offered a small smile. "I'll be here when you get back."

Kakashi shook his head. "Not today." He was determined. "I just can't." He paused as though he had more to say, but wasn't quite sure how to say it. He wasn't a ninja right now. He was a person. And people got killed on missions. He couldn't risk getting killed, but he had no idea how to explain that. Even if he wanted to go he couldn't. Not today. Today he was Iruka's.

Tsunade seemed to understand somehow, and she smiled, though it was just the slightest bit sad. "Tomorrow. You'll leave tomorrow." She whispered.

Iruka looked up at her with wide eyes, but he wasn't going to question a good thing.

"I'll just tell him that you're a bit tied up with things in the village for the day or something. I can't give more time than that."

Kakashi whispered his thanks, visibly relieved.

Tsunade nodded, smiling a bit more brightly at that. "Just don't make me regret this. Now go. Enjoy your day off."

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A/N: Thank you all for reading and reviewing. Things are starting to look up, finally. I hope you're all enjoying the story so far, especially now that the rain clouds are clearing up.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Okay, this took a ridiculously long time and I'm sorry. The fight scene in here makes... very little sense. It makes sense to me, but apparently only to me SO at the end there will be another note explaining what exactly happened since it's awkwardly confusing.

Also, to prevent confusion, Mimoshi means 'crimson blades'. Keep that in mind because the conversation about that name will make very little sense if you don't know that. Essentially, this entire chapter is difficult to understand and I apologize.

* * *

Once back in Iruka's apartment, Kakashi suddenly felt compelled to busy himself with simple tasks. His mind was beginning to wonder into places he'd rather not peer into just yet. He was clinging to this moment, this freedom of being human and with Iruka. The mission could wait until later, he had made sure that it would, and he certainly wasn't going to waste his day with Iruka pondering over something he had fought to postpone. He made his way to the kitchen, to finish tidying up after cooking breakfast. Iruka's plate was still on the table, half eaten. He glared at it as though it had mocked him aloud.

Iruka plopped down on a chair, picking up the cold meal, and picking at it as though he wanted to eat. It was no longer as appetizing as it had been freshly made, steam still curling off the top carrying the scent of a freshly cooked meal. It was almost a mockery of that now. Something he had wanted before, but now that he had it, it wasn't quite what it had been before. He sighed, and looked up to Kakashi who was mulling around the kitchen busying himself with menial tasks. He smelled at how domestic the scene was. How normal it was despite the disaster that had befallen them not even a week ago. There was still a lot of clean up to be done, but for now this was good. He could just watch Kakashi be Kakashi for a bit. They could stand to be happy for just a bit longer before they dealt with all the issues that were floating just barely out of sight.

Kakashi turned back from his work to see Iruka picking at his food and watching him. The jounin couldn't help but smile. "I could make you something fresher if you're still hungry. That barely looks edible anymore."

Iruka stared up blankly as though he hadn't understood a word Kakashi had said. A moment later realization seemed to hit him square in the chest and he shook his head as if shaking himself out of a self induced stupor. "Oh, no thanks. I'm not that hungry anymore anyway." He smiled and leaned back in his chair, stretching.

Kakashi made his way across the kitchen to sit beside the chuunin, slouching slightly forward and resting his chin in his hand. "I suppose we have a few things we need to talk about then."

Iruka nodded suddenly feeling very tired. "Kashi," He started tentatively, not really sure what to say. He had realized that there were things they needed to discuss, but now that they were sitting here, he couldn't think of anything to say.

Kakashi smiled at Iruka hesitation. "Maybe I should start then?" He raised an eyebrow to punctuate the question. "I think I owe you an apology." He shook his head sadly. "A thousand apologies. I shouldn't have questioned this." Kakashi frowned to himself. There was so much more to say than that. He should have warned Iruka about how unstable he really was. He should have been more rational. They should have discussed the issue; he shouldn't have just jumped to the conclusion that this was bad. He wanted to explain that he was trying now. He was commited to this, and he was going to make it work, but the words floated through his head like mist, barely there and impossible to grasp. So he was quiet again. There was nothing else he could say about it.

Iruka shook his head. "You don't need to apologize. I understand it." He'd half expected it really, and that was part of the problem. He was almost waiting for something like this to happen, and when it did, the fact that he'd expected it made the blow hit home just that little bit more. And he understood it. He understood that Kakashi wasn't used to this sort of thing. Kakashi didn't have relationships, he certainly didn't have romantic relationships. It would have been foolish of Iruka to assume that theirs would go smoothly forever. It took trial and error. Here was an error, but Kakashi had learned. It was a good sign. Kakashi was willing enough to learn from the mistakes made and try to make this work. "I think the problem is that I understand too well." Iruka added sadly.

He'd known what he was getting himself into when he got into it, but knowing and experiencing were two very different things. Iruka couldn't even fault Kakashi for all that had happened. They should have discussed this beforehand. He should have warned Kakashi that their relationship wasn't going to be accepted by everyone and why. He should have talked to Kakashi about all of these things and more. They should have discussed their relationship more fully before just diving right in. Iruka felt stupid, but he also felt angry at no one in particular. It wasn't his job to have to teach Kakashi these things. It wasn't his duty to explain what most people knew, and he shouldn't feel as though he'd failed Kakashi because he hadn't taught him. But he knew. He knew what he was doing, and didn't that mean it was his responsibility?

Kakashi's low rumbing voice broke Iruka's train of thought. "You shouldn't feel bad. You didn't do anything wrong. I know you said you understand, but..." He paused. He hated these discussions. He never really knew how to say what it was he had to say, but just as there were some things words could not express, there were some things that only words could express. "I'm not like most people. There's a lot I don't know, and I'm going to have to learn it on my own, but I'd like you to stick by me while I figure this all out." He smiled his usual eye crinkling smile, though it was a bit sadder than he would have liked. It hurt to see Iruka like this, but if he could just figure all of this out, learn from his mistakes, maybe he wouldn't have to see Iruka looking like this again. It would take time, but he'd learn. For Iruka, he'd learn.

Iruka let out a long relieved sigh, as though he'd just been relieved of a particularly heavy load. "Good." He whispered looking tiredly happy. "We'll be okay." He smiled a lazy smile and let his head rest in his arms on the table.

"Come on." Kakashi was standing and offering his hand to the chuunin.

Iruka looked up confused, but took the extended hand almost on instinct. "Where are we going?"

Kakashi shrugged. "For a walk." He smiled as Iruka walked begrudgingly to the door. "Don't look too excited."

Iruka glared half heartedly over his shoulder before giving it up and smiling. "Just a bit tired."

Kakashi nodded, slipping on his sandals. "You need to eat. I'm taking you to eat something." He winked and stepped outside.

---

They'd walked around for quite a bit, seemingly going nowhere in particular. Iruka ended up window shopping, dragging Kakashi along with him to look at things they both pretended they'd buy one day. The mood had lightened greatly, and Iruka was feeling more energetic as they busied themselves walking around, talking about nothing and everything. Eventually they stumbled upon Ichiraku's and decided to sit down to eat.

Kakashi told elaborate stories about the missions Team 7 went on before they disbanded, and Iruka couldn't help but compare the embellished tales to Naruto's. While Naruto tended to use big gestures and a loud voice to get his point across, Kakashi simply spoke in his usual bored tone, letting his eye crinkle up in a simle every now and then. Iruka couldn't help but find the quality endearing, though he also wondered if Kakashi had played a role in encouraging Naruto's outlandish exagerations.

Iruka ate, while Kakashi talked and let his food cool. There was a brief pause in conversation during which Kakashi looked contemplatively at his bowel of ramen before pulling down his mask and slurping down his bowl in one unreasonably quick gulp. His mask was back in place before Iruka's jaw had a chance to drop. The silence stretched on way passed a comfortable pause in conversation. Eventually Iruka took up rambling on about nothing in particular just to fill the air. Kakashi was tense, but it was progress. He was eating in public. Like a real date, though they were honestly past the dating stage by this point, Iruka wasn't going to complain.

Eventually the rambling eased back into actual conversation, though it was awkward and forced. Gradually, they found themselves eased back into the casual tone of conversation that suited them. The rest of the evening carried on without a hitch. They did nothing, but they did it together and that made it worthwhile. It just felt right. They fit, and despite all of the worries both Kakashi and Iruka had about the next few days, for just a little while, everything was alright. Everything was good.

Lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, Kakashi's mind wondered into uncomfortable territory. Tomorrow was sooner than he would have liked. He was granted a small gift of just one day with Iruka, and suddenly that seemed like more of a punishment than anything. He was allowed a glimpse of what it was like to be human, and then would be forced to abandon that life for his mission. And he was afraid. He felt his heart hammering against his chest at that realization. He didn't want to die. All of the years he'd spent serving his country, and he'd never once considered what would happen if he died. Death was just a part of life as a shinobi, but death for a person was tragic.

He slid out of bed, careful not to wake Iruka, and stepped out into the living room, but there still didn't seem to be enough space. He couldn't breathe, running a hand through his hair, he took a look back toward the bedroom and knew he couldn't stay there. He wrote a quick note to Iruka. Short and impersonal telling him that he'd be back when the mission was completed. It seemed wrong to leave like this, but he couldn't stay here. Things here were too alive. He was a man here. He couldn't afford that luxury any longer.

He slipped on his uniform and walked out into the night. It was open and he could breathe, but he couldn't shake the feeling that everything about this was wrong. Iruka was still sleeping soundly in the apartment. His heart was still hammering against his chest. He didn't want to die. His legs carried him to the memorial, and tracing the names etched into the stone made him feel that much closer to death. It made it real somehow. His fallen comrades had lived and breathed. They were real. They had families and friends and secrets and promises they'd never get the chance to fulfill. Suddenly his life seemed so empty. So pointless. He'd lived to serve, and he'd done only that. He had no family, no friends, no real secrets, no promises to keep. He had nothing. Nothing but Iruka. His stomach clenched at that thought.

Iruka was his whole world. His family, his best friend, the man who knew his secrets, his everything. Kakashi let his hand fall away from the stone and he let out a sigh. The sun was just beginning to rise. He'd have to leave shortly. He needed to stop thinking like this. He needed to stop worrying. He was the Copy-Nin. A weapon. He had no reason to worry. He'd return home just like he always did. He couldn't waste time thinking about dying. It would get him killed. He needed to focus on the mission. He needed to focus and get home to Iruka. He took a deep breath, and stared up at the sky for a long moment. He pushed all of these thoughts and emotions into the back of his mind. He was a shinobi. Shinobi didn't feel. They didn't care. They were tools for their country and for their village.

He had a mission to do, and he would do it because Konoha asked it of him. He made his way to Tsunade's office to start his misison.

---

It was simple enough. An escort mission. He'd done it plenty of times before. The man needed to be taken back to his own village after a short stay for some diplomatic affair. The politics of civilians never much concerned Kakashi, so he didn't bother to care. The man was obviously paranoid. Most people would have insisted on stopping to rest, but this man refused to even pause. They'd make it back to his village in just under one day if they didn't pause for anything. That meant they wouldn't have to set up camp, and reduced the chances of an ambush.

Kakashi wasn't going to complain. At that rate his mission would only take about a day and a half. For a civilian the man travelled pretty quickly, and seemed to have enough endurance to travel at his brisk pace for about a week before tiring out. Again, Kakashi wasn't going to complain, but he was a bit suspicious. They'd made it most of the way there without so much as pausing or speaking a single word to each other when the client finally faultered in his steps and finally stopped altogether. Kakashi turned gracefully on his heel to look at the man with an annoyed raised eyebrow.

He was panting and looking around as though the trees surrounding them were going to attack at any moment.

Kakashi frowned, and handed the man a canteen of water, though his annoyance at the delay was evident in his movements, he said nothing. The man was paying a hefty fee for this, he had a right to stop where he liked. In fact, this man was a dream client, not whiny or haughty or annoying in anyway, but Kakashi had been satisfied with their pace. It his mind occupied. He scanned the area and did notice there was a faint presence not too far from where they were. Kakashi sighed and looked back to the client, eyebrow still raised. They should just get moving or there might be conflict, but the man looked too terrified to move.

A ninja jumped out then. He was a child really. No older than Naruto or Sasuke, and no more skilled either. In fact, Kakashi would be more than willing to wager that this kid wouldn't have stood a chance against any member of Team 7. He was fumbling with his kunai, and obviously nervous. He was dirty, which was puzzling and he wasn't wearing anything that might signify a hidden village, but the way the kid stood gave away his ninja training. It was a fighting stance, though his feet were set wrong, and it would have been easy to knock the kid off balance.

Kakashi's client smiled at the kid and bent down slightly to speak to him on his own level.

"Hi there. That's a pretty dangerous weapon your holding. Do you know what it's used for?"

The kid put on an angry face, and his grip tightened on the kunai, but anyone with half a brain could see it was an act. The kid was afraid of something. "It's used to kill people." The kid spat out.

The client smiled. "That's right, and do you think your mommy would approve of you killing people?" His voice was light and thoughtful.

"I doubt she'd care. Dead people tend not to care about anything." The anger in his voice was no longer faked. A nerve had been hit.

"I'm sorry to hear that." The client said smoothly. "What about your father then?"

"Dead." The kid's eyes narrowed.

"That's too bad. Listen, my name is Yuuji. Why don't you put that down and come with me?" He offered a warm smile.

Kakashi tried to ignore their conversation. He kept his eye on the little boy, but he tried not to hear what they were saying. The client didn't have a name he was just the client. His life before and after this mission were inconsequential. He was the client until Kakashi brought him back to his home, and then he was no one. Now he was Yuuji. Yuuji had a home and a life and Kakashi didn't want to think about that.

"I'm a ninja, Yuuji." The kid spat the name as though it was particularly distasteful. "I have a home. I don't need yours."

Yuuji smiled. "Well then, why don't you head home? I'm sure there are plenty of people worrying about where you are."

The kid smiled. "I'm on a mission."

Yuuji seemed genuinely interested. "Really? What kind of mission?"

"Assassination."

"Oh." Yuuji's smile seemed to faulter. "That's an awfully grown up mission, isn't it?"

Suddenly Kakashi was paying a lot of attention. This whole set up was all too familiar. Fumbling with Kunai, no inication of a village, this act of incompentance. He'd done it a million times. He'd completed too many missions using this same tactic not to spot it. He casually made his way closer to Yuuji, slouching and looking generally unconcerned.

The kid shrugged.

"What's your name?"

"Mimoshi." The kid grinned. It was obviously an alias, something meant to frighten people off.

"I see. Did your parents name you that?"

"It's my name. Who cares who gave it to me?"

"What did your mom call you?"

"Shut up!" The kid shouted and lunged forward with his blade. The movement was entirely graceless, but Kakashi was forced to push Yuuji out of the way. Mimoshi recovered flawlessly, drawing a second blade and moving with ease as he made a move to stab the kunai into Yuuji's spine. Again Kakashi was forced to move Yuuji out of the way, this time kicking Mimoshi back and taking a defensive stance.

They stood sizing each other up for a moment. Mimoshi was like a mirror image of Kakashi when he was that age. Uncaring, cold, and calculating. Kakashi felt sick to his stomach at the thought. Mimoshi's attack came on suddenly and fiercely. Kakashi barely had time to act. Two kunai went flying through the air. Kakashi dodged gracefully and managed to catch the kunai aimed at Yuuji before it made contact, but Mimoshi wasn't going to let them off so easily. Before Kakashi had time to recover six more knives were thrown at them. Mimoshi grinned to himself as the kunai hit their targets, but two soft popping sounds revealed that the Yuuji he'd been talking to was just a clone, and the real Kakashi had used a replacement jutsu.

There were whispers just to Mimoshi's left, and he turned in time to see Kakashi helping his client up from his hiding place in the bushes. Kakashi carried Yuuji away at a brisk pace. Mimoshi gripped his kunai tightly in aggitation. A figure then appeared beside him, placing a kind hand on the boy's shoulder.

"Come on Itoe-kun. We can catch them if we hurry. It's just a civilian."

Mimoshi shrugged the hand off his shoulder. "Don't call me that." He ordered, marching off in the direction Kakashi and Yuuji had run off in. "The fact that he's just a civilian only means that I failed at something even a genin could do." He muttered over his shoulder.

The other ninja looked around for a moment more before running to catch up to his partner.

Once both shinobi were out of sight, Kakashi signalled for Yuuji to follow him; it still wasn't safe to talk. The kunai that had hit him during the attack was still firmly lodged in his thigh, but he'd take care of that later. Pulling it out would leave a blood trail much too easy to track. He'd taken the hit to make sure they weren't found out. Standing right in front of the enemy and convincing them you were somewhere else required a certain... finesse. In this case that finesse included getting a kunai embedded in his leg. They hurried toward Yuuji's village. With any luck they'd make it there within an hour's time.

Just to be safe, Kakashi made two clones. One of himself and one of Yuuji, and sent them off in the direction Mimoshi and his companion thought they'd gone. At the very least it'd delay them long enough for Kakashi to get Yuuji home.

They remained silent for a long time, but once Yuuji seemed to judge it safe, he spoke up.

"What exactly happened back there?" He whispered.

"Genjutsu. I let them think I didn't get hit in order to pull it off. They think we went East rather than South, but they'll figure it out eventually."

Yuuji nodded. "Then we should hurry."

* * *

A/N: Okay. I'm sorry if that was confusing. Apparently I gave the impression that Kakashi really did use the substitution jutsu and that Yuuji really was a clone. Neither are true. Kakashi just used a genjutsu to make it appear as though both himself and Yuuji were distractions. The genjutsu also made it appear as though Kakashi and Yuuji were running away. Get it?

Ninjas are confusing, and it's always bothered me that no one really seems to employ their ninja-ness. So I did it... only... I made it incredibly hard to understand...


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Hey everyone! As always your reviews have been so inspirational! I'm glad to hear your feedback. Sorry this took so long to get up. I've had it written for awhile now, but getting it typed took more effort than I'd expected. Not to mention I've been unexpectedly busy. Anyway, hopefully things will be calmer now. I won't be having any more 10 hour long classes on safety... That was like hell... But on the bright side, at least now I know how to prevent myself from losing limbs in a factory. I'll pretend that I'm not a waitress just to make that worth my time.

Okay, apparently this didn't take that long to upload... it seemed like forever to me though. Strange.

* * *

Iruka woke to an empty bed. Kakashi's side was cold. He hadn't been there for quite some time. The apartment seemed barren, and Iruka suddenly felt oddly lonely. He'd been prepared for Kakashi's departure, but he hadn't expected this. He'd expected a quiet breakfast and a kiss goodbye. What he got instead was a note explaining that Kakashi would be back in a few days time. There was little else contained in the short message. No signs of affection, no well wishes or vague plans for dinner when he got back. Nothing. It was almost frustrating. Almost. Mostly it was just Kakashi. This was how the jounin did things, and no matter how much Iruka didn't like it, he couldn't really blame Kakashi. The man had come a long way, but there were some things that would never change. Could never change. Kakashi needed to be alone before a mission, that was understandable.

Iruka ate a small breakfast alone. Showered and readied himself for work. His class was unremarkable. Konohamaru wasn't particularly active. Iruka couldn't even find a reason to be upset, but he was in a foul mood. Not outwardly. Outwardly he smiled and laughed and pretended not to notice Kakashi was even gone. But he wanted to yell and scream and throw a tantrum. He wanted to stomp his feet and shout about how he never got what he wanted. He wanted to complain about how he was always the one to sacrefice, and no one seemed to care. He knew that wasn't true. It was far from true. Kakashi had given up his privacy for Iruka, and that was all Kakashi had. But Iruka still felt like complaining. So he did.

He plopped down behind the mission desk and scolded jounin because their reports were impossible to read, or late, or dirty, or incomplete. He shouted and threatened and threw sharp objects with deadly accuracy. By the time his shift was over Raidou had to drag him from the room while he shouted at Gai about how the color green is really _never_ appropriate. Raidou dragged the fuming chuunin half way through the village before Iruka regained enough sense to jerk his arm away and snap about how he was fully capable of walking himself, thank you.

There was a long silence during which Iruka mentally ranted to himself about just about everything and how annoying it was, just to keep his anger boiling.

"Wanna talk about it?" Raidou offered, interupting Iruka's mental tirade.

"No." Iruka spat, crossing his arms over his chest in annoyance at the world. "Yes." He corrected after another moment of silent fuming.

Raidou raised an eyebrow, encouraging the younger man to continue.

"No one can ever seem to turn in a proper report. Ever. It's ridiculous. I'm sick of always staying late and fixing the filing, or correcting small mistakes that people have over looked, or waiting around for people who feel the need to turn things in _after_ the mission desk has closed. I have a life too, ya know? It's like people forget that I have other things to do."

Raidou nodded. "That's pretty inconsiderate."

Iruka nodded sharply. "More than inconsiderate. It's downright rude, and then people are surprised when I yell at them. Really? Are they above being scolded? Maybe if they would do things right I wouldn't have to scream at them, does anyone ever consider that? No. Of course not. Everyone just thinks I'm bipolar or something. I'm always the one with the problem. Not them."

Raidou nodded his understanding, climbing the stairs to his and Genma's apartment.

"I'm stressed enough being a teacher. I mean, most jounin can't even handle taking on a genin team, and they get the little hellions after I've whipped them into shape, and I deal with a whole room full of kids, not just three! I'm the one who has to teach the crazy, little blood thirsty beasts how to use weapons and jutsus. It's a miracle I haven't at least lost a finger yet! And somehow, I'm crazy for snapping at people every once in awhile? Sure. Whatever."

Raidou opened the door to the apartment and held it open for the ranting chuunin. Genma stuck his head out from the kitchen where he had been boiling water for tea. Raidou nodded to Iruka and held up three fingers, indicating that Genma should make enough for all three of them. Genma nodded and disappeared back into the kitchen.

"And then everyone's constantly asking about Kakashi! I don't have time for that crap. I mean, everyone knows how Kakashi is. I can't just tell them everything. Kakashi's a really private person. I don't want to ruin my whole relationship for the sake of gossip. That's ridiculous. I swear to Kami if I have to hear one more person ask about Kakashi's face, I'm going to skin them with a dull, rusty kunai!" Iruka blushed then, realizing what exactly he was saying. Genma was probably the most likely person to ask such a question.

Just then the senbon sucker strolled out of the kitchen carrying the tea tray and smirking. "Go on." He he nodded.

"I-I didn't mean... Well... It's just..." Iruka stammered. Then his eyes narrowed into a glare and he seemed to reconsider his embarrassment. "You know what, no. It's true. You can't expect me to actually answer those questions. You've known Kakashi for longer than I have. You should understand how hard this is for me."

Genma nodded again. "I do. Which is why I tease you about it. You need to learn to laugh about it, or it'll kill you. Believe me."

"There's nothing to laugh about! This is serious! I spend all my time trying to make sure he's okay. I'm so tired of having to coddle him all the time, but I can't stop! I don't know what I'd do if I lost him, but I can't do this forever! I can't! It's too hard. I'm so busy taking care of him, I have no time for myself, and it's not like anyone else is going to take care of me! And it's not like I can explain it to him, cuz then he'd have some kind of mental break down about not being good enough for me, or taking advantage or he'd find something to brood about, and I'd be stuck picking up the pieces." Iruka rubbed his face in frustration. "What the hell am I supposed to do exactly? I love him, but I can't take care of both of us by myself, but he can't even take care of himself. Fuck he can't even take care of his friggin' house plant! And I can't even be mad at him because it's not his fault! He warned about all this. I knew this was going to be difficult, but he's worth it. But it's just so hard! I'm so sick of doing this all by myself."

Genma put his hand on Iruka's shoulder in a comforting gesture. "But he really is trying, and he's made some progress. You aren't in it alone."

"Yeah, but Kakashi's version of trying to make things work, only amounts to the average person's complete lack of effort! I feel like I'm in a relationship with myself half the time! I know he's trying, and that only makes it worse! That only makes it horrible of me to complain at all because he has to try for this when it comes naturally for everyon else! I don't know how much longer I can do this by myself! I don't want to give up on him, but this is all so much to deal with and I just can't do it forever!"

There was a brief moment of silence.

Raidou raised an eyebrow. "Are you done?"

Iruka glared at him, picked up his tea cup and smashed it on the ground. His glare faded then, and he seemed to deflate. "Yes." He looked pitifully at the shattered cup. "I'm sorry. I'll buy you a new one."

Raidou waved it off as nothing. "Wanna talk about what's really bothering you now?"

Iruka looked away. "He left. He didn't wait until morning or even say goodbye. I woke up and he was just gone. He wrote some stupid note that said he'd be back in a few days and that was it."

Raidou nodded. "And that's all that's bothering you?"

Iruka glared at a spot on the carpet intently, as though the small stain was actually the root of all evil. "What else would it be?"

Raidou shrugged. "Just asking."

Iruka sighed and leaned back into the couch. "I miss him..."

Raidou offered him a small sad smile. "I know."

"I wish he didn't have to go. Things were going so well, and I just want him to come home and be with me and I want things to go back to being fine. And what if this mission messes everything up? What if he breaks again? Or what if he doesn't..." Iruka choked on the end of his sentence as a sob escaped him. He couldn't bring himself to finish the thought.

"He'll come home." Raidou promised.

Iruka just sat on the couch and cried.

---

Kakashi managed to get Yuuji back to his village relatively unscathed, but the man did seem rather shaken up. Someone had hired ninja to hunt him down and kill him. He had a right to be a bit worried. Kakashi assured him that he would do everything he could to ensure his safety before he left, but there was honestly very little the jounin could do. He managed to convince the guardsmen of the town to keep an eye out for the two ninja, and gave them a detailed description. Still, they were only ordinary men. If ninja wanted in the city there was very little those men could do to stop them. If ninja wanted Yuuji dead, there was a good chance he'd end up a corpse by morning.

Kakashi assured him that he'd inform the Hokage as soon as he returned to the village, but he needed to leave as soon as possible. He needed to get back to Konoha more quickly than he'd anticipated. He need to report what was happening. He couldn't risk starting a war with an unknown village for the safety of one man. But he didn't want to leave Yuuji to die. The man had a life. There were things that made him happy, people who loved him, people that he loved. He wasn't some empty shell trying to figure out how to become a person. He was a person, and he deserved to live.

Kakashi set a few quick traps before he left, and tended to his wounded thigh. Running with the kunai lodged into the muscle had caused a lot of damage to the flesh there. It was raw, and more painful than he would have liked to admit, but he didn't have time to fuss over it. He applied a mild localized sedative to ease the pain, and bandaged it as best he could before he took off for Konoha. He needed to get to Tsunade. He needed to make his report and let her know about the strange ninja, perhaps send someone to protect Yuuji. He needed to get back to Iruka.

Running on his injured leg was difficult. Not exactly painful, but numbing the muscle had made his movements more unsure than usual. He tried not to think about how the wound looked, gaping and bleeding everywhere. He hadn't even cleaned it properly, he was in such a hurry. He pushed the thought to the back of his mind, and ran. He needed to get home.

The sun was setting before he'd made it half an hour out of the village, and Kakashi was beginning to wonder if he'd make it back in time for Tsunade to take action. He made it to the area they'd run into the two foreign ninja. There were no signs that they'd returned to inspect the area yet, but Kakashi sincerely doubted that they weren't already tracking Yuuji back to his village. He looked up at the sky, to measure the time. It would take him at least another four hours to reach Konoha, by then, it'd be relatively late, and he began to worry that there wasn't time.

He continued onward, not bothering to stop and check for any sense of Yuuji's pursuers. Luck was not with him, however. He'd barely made it past the combat area, when a kunai flew past him. He'd only barely dodged, losing his footing in the canopy of the trees and letting himself drop to the forest floor. He hit the ground facing his attackers, though they didn't look particularly interested in a fight.

"Hey." Mimoshi grinned, strolling casually forward as though he'd just run into an old friend. "That was a nice trick you pulled. I'll have to use that sometime."

Kakashi remained still and stoic, keeping an eye on the two ninja in front of him. Neither had weapons drawn, which was a good sign, but it also meant that he wasn't exactly sure what it was they wanted from him. He remained silent.

"So, you got the mark back to his village already then? Or is this more elaborate planning to throw us off his trail?" The kid was casual, as though the stunt Kakashi pulled was merely amusing and not a significant hinderance.

Kakashi remained silent and still.

"You aren't going to get anything out of him that way, Mimoshi." The man beside him finally joined in the conversation. He pulled out a kunai and twirled it menacingly. "I bet I could get something out of him though."

Mimoshi held up his hand to silence the older man. "No. We aren't here to start a war with Konoha." He turned his attention back to Kakashi. "Do you know who that man was you were escorting?"

Stillness and silence answered the young ninja.

"My parents are dead, as I'm sure you remember. He played a hand in their deaths." Mimoshi paused and seemed to size Kakashi up. "You don't believe me." He said bluntly. "That's fine. You have no reason to. It'd be a good lie if I were trying to trick you. We don't want to fight you."

Kakashi was trying not to listen to this. If it was true, that only meant that this kid was real. He was a person. He'd lost love ones and was human. He was better than Kakashi. Better than the monster Kakashi had let himself become.

"Come on, Mimoshi! Just let me have a bit of fun. He seems like a hard egg to crack. I can get your answers for you." The older ninja seemed to be getting giddy at the thought of torturing Kakashi. The jounin decided that Ibiki was much more intimidating with his stoic approach.

"Tomoei! Stop. We aren't here for that." The kid's tone was sharp, but not particularly loud. It seemed as though he'd grown tired of scolding Tomoei.

"One dead ninja won't bring Konoha's wrath down on us." The older nin mumbled miserably, but didn't push the subject further.

"I don't hold a grudge against him." Mimoshi was talking to both Kakashi and Tomoei. "But my parents were important to our village."

He didn't explain further because there was no need to. Important members of a village had been killed, the favor was due to be returned. It seemed a bit warped that they'd send this kid out himself, but Kakashi didn't bother commenting. Silent and still. He hoped they'd just leave.

Mimoshi smiled. "I hate politics." He turned his back to Kakashi. "Hey, Tomo, we'll set up camp here for the night."

Kakashi wasn't sure if his eye widened visibly at that statement or not, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Tomoei looked quite displeased with that decision, but didn't verbally protest.

Kakashi could see Mimoshi smiling as leaned against a tree. "You know, Konoha-san, you really ought to work on your conversational skills. I guess it's a good thing I understand people. I understand you, Konoha-san." He let out a comfortable sigh. "People do strange things, but they do them for a reason. People that is. I don't like Yuuji, but I like war less."

There was a lingering silence in which Kakashi remained still and silent. When neither ninja so much as looked back at him, he bolted. Everything out that situation was all wrong. He wasn't thinking like a shinobi. He was listening, despite himself, and he couldn't be sure what to trust. Ninjas were liars. It was just a part of life, but Kakashi's gut told him that there was something underneath the underneath.

That kid lost his parents, and yet he didn't want their murder dead? Kakashi's mind was swimming with thought as he ran for Konoha. 'People do strange things, but they do them for a reason. People that is.' What did he mean by that? He pushed that line of thinking to the back of his mind. He'd figure it out when he had time. Now he needed to get home. He needed to warn Tsunade. He needed to see Iruka. He needed to rest and think this all through later.

* * *

A/N: Okay, this chapter seems a bit scattered. Hopefully I'll clear some of this up next chapter. I hope no one is disappointed in how this mission is going. To me, this has all been about Kakashi figuring out how to separate shinobi life from his life as just a man, and this mission is like the bridge between both worlds if that makes any sense. So, it hasn't been particularly action packed, but my goal is for things to become clear to you and Kakashi next chapter!


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